12 days of christmas-playboy

[Ken Marino]

December 25, 1998
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
O.K., Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================

[Hal Hanig]

Post by Ken Marino
December 25, 1998
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================

And then there was this bit of Holiday Cheer:


Gala Christmas Party


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done
at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty




============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty





============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2008

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...

You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil
doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men; each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in
the restrooms.
Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
bite
first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty




============================================================================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees

DATE: October 05, 2008

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!





============================================================================


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October ; 06, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[andy the clown]

Post by Hal Hanig

Post by Ken Marino
December 25, 1998
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================

Gala Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...
You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if
I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little
foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion
in the restrooms.
Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite
first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F#$&*ng Employees
DATE: October 05, 2008
RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!
============================================================================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October ; 06, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

I quite enjoyed that one Hal, Cheers,
Andrw

[Marvel]

Post by Hal Hanig

Post by Ken Marino
December 25, 1998
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================

Gala Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...
You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if
I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little
foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion
in the restrooms.
Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite
first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F#$&*ng Employees
DATE: October 05, 2008
RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!
============================================================================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October ; 06, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

I forwarded that one to the office.

[broadssailor]

Post by Hal Hanig

Post by Ken Marino
December 25, 1998
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================

Gala Christmas Party
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    October 01, 2008
RE:       Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    October 02, 2008
RE:       Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   October 03, 2008
RE:        Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of  Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...
You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if
I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
============================================================================
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   October 04, 2008
RE:        Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can  hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little
foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion
in the restrooms.
Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food.  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite
first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
============================================================================
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F#$&*ng Employees
DATE:    October  05, 2008
RE:         The F*%#ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your  fu&*^%g salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!
============================================================================
FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   October  ; 06, 2008
RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

...
read more »

The Twelfth day.

6 January 2009

Now look f*ckwit, are you some kind of f*cking sicko? I've had the
police round because of the neighbors complaining about the noise and
they look at me like I'm completely f*cking mental when I tell them
it's the nine drummers drumming and ten pipers piping my warped ex
sent me every f*cking day since f*cking Christmas.
The twelve lords have wrecked the garden by a-leaping all over the
f*cking plants in the short gaps between shagging the eleven ladies
dancing in the bushes.
The seven swans have a-swam all over the bathroom and pecked each
other to death, the six geese have laid their f*cking eggs all over
the f*cking floor and the other f*cking birds have trampled them into
the f*cking carpet.
Does this give you some kind of kick you demented bastard?
The partridge fell out of the f*cking pear tree and now I've got the
sodding RSPCA on my case for cruelty to partridges. Did you even check
where partridges live?
Your things are on the lawn. I suggest you come and get them at night
when the tranquilisers have kicked in, otherwise I will pull your
fucking balls out through your ears and nail them to the front door.
Then f*ck off out of my life forever.

[Nobody]

Post by Ken Marino
December 25, 1998
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================

Irish entertainer Frank Kelly has an hilarious sendup of "The Twelve
Days" that has YouTube versions:

Some versions refer to the girlfriend as "Nuala"... dunno why... would
expect it to be the regular Nola.

[m***@gmail.com]

Post by Ken Marino
December 25, 1998
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================
--
Dink {Vox clamantis in deserto}
N 30.21, W 97.81 http://snipurl.com/whereiam
<br>http://snipurl.com/austinweatherpixie
Fragen mich keine Fragen und ich antwort sie keine Lügen.

[[e-mail]]

Post by Ken Marino
December 25, 1998
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree?

I wouldn't mind having Susan Dey. When she was young.

How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times

Post by Ken Marino
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================= December 26, 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================== December 27, 1998
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================== December 28, 1998
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================ December 29, 1998
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
========================================= December 30, 1998
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
========================================== December 31, 1998
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So do something about these freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
========================================= January 1, 1999
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
hey had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================== January 2, 1999
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. and
shit do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
======================================= January 3, 1999
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
======================================== January 4, 1999
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================== January 5, 1999
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
==========================================
--
Dink {Vox clamantis in deserto}
N 30.21, W 97.81 http://snipurl.com/whereiam
<br>http://snipurl.com/austinweatherpixie
Fragen mich keine Fragen und ich antwort sie keine Lügen.