Post by Heidi Graw(snip)
Post by PolishKnightPost by Heidi GrawWell...that's something I never bothered to do with the men I dated. If I
saw something about them I didn't like, I didn't bother hanging around to
try to convert them into *my* way.
Indeed! You waited for a man who told you what you wanted to hear.
Oh, wait, I really should rephrase that. :-)
No need to rephrase that, because that is exactly true. If the manner of
the man's behavior and his words did not resonate with mine in any
harmonious sort of way, then I walked! I find disharmony far too
emotionally draining. I prefer to get along with the men in my social
circle.
I think you're exaggerating.
These men did clearly resonate with you at least in the sense
that they took the risk to ask you out, offered to pay your
way, and you accepted a first date with them.
Surely, then, they couldn't have been all that bad.
You have a point that it didn't make a lot of sense for
me to spend a lot of time and money on American women
who may not have appreciated someone who made an effort
to make them feel welcome and appreciated when
there were other options available. It's a bit
of a no-brainer, isn't it? Yes, these women had
potential but on the first date, they largely acted
like 4 year olds with ADD.
Note that showing appreciation doesn't require someone
to say what someone wants to hear nor does difference
of opinion and little faux-pas indicate disharmony.
A lot of this exists within oneself. I suppose
after traveling for so long (not just overseas, but
also locally in the states) and having had to grow
quite a bit that it's natural for me to find ways
to be harmonious internally.
This may explain, Heidi, why so many women prefer
to settle down near their ancestrial home while men
tend to roam a bit more.
Post by Heidi GrawPost by PolishKnightMaybe that doesn't apply to you, but I have seen a lot of women
who have a similar attitude who wind up as targets of men
who wrap such women around their fingers (and brag to us
over beers about it.) Men who bother to play these games
usually have their own insecurities as well.
If they're merely playing games, they will eventually be found out. There
aren't too many people that can carry on an act for any great length of
time. Eventually, they trip themselves up.
You'd be surprised!
On the contrary, people are expected to put on acts
all the time. In business, it's understood that people will
put on a friendly face for business associates even if
they dislike them or find their mannerisms "disharmonious".
Do you really think the clerk means "have a nice day"
when you pick up your groceries? :-) (I'm sure they
do, Canadians tend to be such nice, polite people! :-)
You get the point, I hope: When _money_ is at stake,
it's not a problem for most people to put on an act.
Hmmm, what do most men risk for a date again?
Of course, it's commonly argued that foreign women
also put on an act for citizenship. (Unsurprisingly,
I have already heard of stories of foreign MEN marrying
Canadian and American women for citizenship and these
women being shocked when the men leave them. Did you
notice in the last Olympics how many competitors
for Canada and the U.S. were Russian men who married
their partners and got citizenship in the last
year or so?)
Sometimes, people put on an act they even halfway believe.
That's the most dangerous for all parties concerned.
Sometimes people are just nuts.
Anyways, back to men on first dates: They don't even
have to put on an act for a great length of time
as you put it. Many men learn to do this for,
oh, say, 3 dates or so. I've heard of this several
times. The men say what it takes to get into her
pants and then they're off!
Post by Heidi GrawPost by PolishKnightGenerally speaking, outside of those Eharmony commercials,
there will be an adjustment period for two people to
accomodate each other. People need to change along with
life events such as leaving home, going to school, moving
to a new city, etc. Why not have people change to
accomodate the person closest to them?
That person with whom you're on that *first* date is *not* a person closest
to you.
No, they're not.
However, the possibility exists that they may turn out to
be such a person.
It's said that people act rudely in cities is because
of their assumption that the people they encounter daily
are probably total strangers so they act like total jerks.
I love the line from Crocodile Dundee: "With millions of
people in New York, everyone must be real friendly!"
Post by Heidi GrawMore often than not they are virtual strangers. That first date,
however, gives the couple an opportunity to get to know one another a little
better.
I suppose we can look at this from a glass half-empty/half-full
situation: Does someone view a new person in their life
as the possible stepping stone to a wonderful relationship, or rather
as a stranger at the quickie-mart who gives them change
for a 20?
Not that either view determines anything absolutely.
As I said, my wife and I had a number of disasters when
we first met.
Post by Heidi GrawIf it works out fine, great. If not, leave!
Indeed, if a woman has put little effort into it other
than getting picked up, then this attitude applies.
This is why I think that many men wait until the
relationship has gotten moving a bit before showing
his darker side. (You know, taking the dishes out
of the oven :-)
Post by Heidi GrawAnd sure, there are
people who'll give their dates second, third and perhaps even years worth of
their time only to discover that their first impressions were dead on and
they've wasted years trying to reform this person into someone *they* want
that person to be. I chose not to waste my time like that.
This is assuming, of course, that the person really knows
what they want that person to be.
Many marriages break up especially at the mid-mark where you're
at precisely because the couple outgrows each other or
they discover the priorities they had in youth didn't
work out for them later in life.
Post by Heidi Graw(snip)
Post by PolishKnightI'm rather proud of the fact that I've changed significantly
over time. I've grown, learned, acknowledged some mistakes,
tried a number of things, and really gotten a lot out of life!
I'm glad to hear that, Mark.
Post by PolishKnightHeidi, isn't it rather crazy for someone to plan their whole
life based upon their experiences and insights up until
their mid-20's?
For good or ill, people change and grow. It's a question of
whether they'll grow wiser and older or just older.
Sure, but it's even sweeter when you've started with someone who's in tune
with you right off the bat. ;-)
Good for you.
Looking back, I see a lot of women I probably was compatable
with and if things had been different, I might have settled
down with them.
On the other hand, as sweet as these women are, I was a
different person back then. I see the core of who
I am, of course, but if I hadn't gone out and grown
a bit I think I'd be less interesting.
You sound like a country girl at heart. That's nice and
all and in that sense, maybe it's good for you to
find someone stable and in tune. No wonder you like
real estate. :-)
Me, I'm really messed up: I love Opera and guns. Hmmm, maybe
I should write an operetta about deer hunting... :-)
Post by Heidi GrawHubby and I have also grown and changed over the years, too. And we're
still in tune with each other.
Good for you!
Post by Heidi GrawHad I chosen a guy with whom I was in disharmony, who knows how much further
apart we may have grown over the years? It could have gone either
way...further apart or perhaps closer together.
I chose, however, to start off with someone I was in harmony with. I
believed that that would allow us a greater chance at actually staying
together. For us, this worked. ;-)
Post by PolishKnightIronically, if I had judged my wife based upon our first
experiences with each other we wouldn't be together.
We had a lot of disasters that almost belong in a comedy!
...a comedy of errors is no big deal. However, if Galena had been arrogant,
bossy and totally self-absorbed, I doubt you would have hung around for much
longer.
As I said, I don't really know if these men were necessarily
totally self-absorbed. Presumably, they did come to pick
you up and offer to pay your way.
But yes, she did have a rough edge when I met her and it's
still there. People laugh at how she appears sweet
and innocent but she can be a fireball.
Post by Heidi GrawPost by PolishKnightBut... we both recognized that we're good people (as many
third parties like to say about us) and we share the same
goals and ideals. She considered some of my input (and learned
to enjoy Opera) and I learned to keep my nails clipped. :-)
Great...but notice: You *shared*. You also have the *same* goals and
ideals. You found a woman who said exactly all that what you wanted to
hear! ;-)
No... but the core things that mattered were there. We didn't
sweat the small stuff.
Post by Heidi GrawPost by PolishKnightPost by Heidi GrawIf I didn't like what was revealed, that second date simply didn't happen.
I was not about to make excuses for these guys, give them a second chance,
or whatever. If you didn't make a good first impression, then forget it!
Heidi
With such a charming attitude, it's difficult to understand
why men such as myself didn't want to pursue local North
American women. :-)
I'll tell you about one of those arrogant bossy types and how they behaved
1. He'd pick the time and place...o.k...no problem. This allowed me to see
what sort of places he liked.
2. Then when I wanted to order the kind of drink I prefered, he'd say,
"No...try this one, it's cheaper."...Huh?
A man after my own heart! (hug) :-)
Seriously though, so friggin' what? He's paying, yes?
Women, on the other hand, rarely offer to pay for a man's
way on a first date whether the drinks are on sale or not.
You even said that women in your area would only go out
to meet men when they could pay half price.
Post by Heidi Graw3. When it came time to order the meal, he wouldn't allow me to see the
menu. He'd say, "We'll have this that and the other thing." ...Huh?
Ok, now that was rude. He should at least have asked if
you liked a particular thing. My wife did this to me too,
BTW. We went out to a restaurant and she picked out
everything. But she did ensure that what she ordered
would be to my taste.
Post by Heidi Graw4. The conversation would revolve around all the things that *he* had
accomplished. He'd talk about his work, his investments, what he bought,
how much he's worth, where he goes to buy his stuff. And whenever I want to
add to the conversation, he'd interrupt me and carry on describing what *he*
was into. O.k....it was obvious to me he wasn't interested in any I had to
say about myself.
Ok... Now I must be on your side here. A host should
definitely give a chance for you to get a word in edgewise.
Besides, doesn't he want to know what kind of woman
you are?
I don't know which is worse: What you described or the
women who would just sit and wait for me to get the
conversation going and I would have to pull teeth.
Post by Heidi Graw5. At the end of the evening, he'd say, "I'll pick you up tomorrow at such
a such time." Huh?
My answer, "You will do no such thing! Good-bye!" ...and I closed the
door. ;-)
Fair enough. It sounds like the guy probably didn't get
fazed by this too much. :-)
At the same time, maybe he found a woman who'd like him.
He has investments and "stuff."
Both of us apparently didn't get along with the crowd.
Post by Heidi GrawYes, Mark, I closed the door on a guy who owned an apartment building in the
West End of Vancouver. He was worth millions. But, you know what? I
didn't like this guy! There was no way that I could get along with such a
fellow!
Come now. "No way?" Like me, you moved onto greener pastures.
I at least acknowledge that while I didn't exactly
get turned on by the behaviour of the American women I dated
I do see ways I could have worked things out with many
of them. You at least had him taking you out and offering
to pay your way which is more than most men get.
But... then again... I'm not exactly a winner either
on paper. I'm short, not exactly loaded. Probably many
of these women did go out with these guys and they
wound up having to settle for a date with... er... me
because they were too fussy. :-)
Post by Heidi GrawHe was simply too bossy and inconsiderate of me.
Heidi, all throughout this post I didn't hear ONE thing
you did for him. Nada.
It's possible that he turned out to be such a jerk
because the women he met previously didn't set
much of an example either. Maybe as far as he's
concerned, the date went well because you didn't act
much differently than many other women do on a SUCCESSFUL
date.
Post by Heidi GrawI also did not
want to waste my time and effort retraining him. His behavior was too
extreme for me to believe that I could convince him to be a little more
thoughtful about what I liked or what I may have wanted to do. So, I
dropped him...and I have no regrets! ;-)
From what you've described, he doesn't really seem
all that extreme. So he blabbed on about himself
and didn't blow a lot of money. Horrors! Has Amnesty International
been notified? :-)
regards,
Mark Sobolewski