Post by D***@novabbs.i2pPost by Michelangelo ScarlottiPost by D***@novabbs.i2pPost by Michelangelo ScarlottiPost by D***@novabbs.i2pPost by RockyPost by Will Dockery"Ozone Stigmata" (Will Dockery & Henry Conley) performed by Jack Snipe
https://soundcloud.com/jacksnipe05/ozone-stigmata-second-draft
"Ozone Stigmata"
On another level
About a thousand years ago-
I tried to hold her
And my heart won't let go.
In countless variations
Just another two old souls.
And this net... net... net...
Don't let go the coat!
On a handbasket from Hell
I hold the handle.
Hand basket from Hell
Both sides of the candle.
Read her note yesterday
The memory made me cry.
I dreamt I got back to her
Over time and over miles.
In this shaky kingdom
My first light that was true...
This light... light... light...
I raise a lantern for you!
Handbasket from Hell,
I tip the conductor.
Handbasket from Hell
I should have sued the doctor.
I can hear you calling
From 10,000 light years away.
And I'd be there with you
But I can't afford to stay.
I remember every hour
8 times a day...
This night... night... night...
The flames are cold and blue.
Handbasket from Hell
All across Christmas.
Handbasket from Hell
I wonder if they missed us...
-Will Dockery (words)
Henry Conley (music)
One of your best, Doc, and easy to understand....
Okay, let's take it from the top, Pendragon, are you still with us?
"Ozone Stigmata" (Will Dockery & Henry Conley) performed by Jack Snipe
https://soundcloud.com/jacksnipe05/ozone-stigmata-second-draft
"Ozone Stigmata"
On another level
About a thousand years ago-
The first two lines set the stage... with me so far?
Not at all.
The first line implies that at least one level has already been introduced. None, in fact, has.
The second line dates the poem's action to approximately 1020 AD. This long after the action in the Orpheus myth -- and long before that of the Shadowville mythos (a.k.a., your life). It is, otoh, only a hundred years before the composition of Dante's "Inferno" -- which makes a better fit than the Orpheus myth.
But go on... explain to me what the unspoken level/levels are; and how the Orpheus myth took place a mere 1,000 years ago.
"On another level" just means what it says, and 1000 years seems far enough away to be "another level".
It says nothing (see above). It's like saying "on the one hand, we have this and on the other hand we have that." Without the "one hand" for comparison, the "other hand" is meaningless.
And while 1,000 years was a long time ago, it has no relation whatsoever to the Orpheus myth.
If you mean to say that the unidentified first level is the present and the "other" level is 1,000 years ago, it neither comes across in your poem nor connects your poem in any way, shape or form with Greek mythology.
Well, the poem is really about me and someone I know who died, and I bring her back out of Hell, or try to. The Orpheus myth influenced my poem.
The line "Handbasket /from/ Hell", in nutshell.
Orpheus did not cart Eurydice out of Hell in a handbasket.
Nor does the use of "from" necessary mean that the handbasket is departing from Hell. It could also mean that it was fashioned in Hell.
When something is especially terrible, we usually say that it is "from Hell." "She was the girlfriend from Hell." "It was the date from Hell." "He is the landlord from Hell."
"Handcart from Hell" implies that it was the single worst handcart you'd ever come across. It's wheels keep sticking, it wobbled, pulled to the right, etc. In keeping with the "Going to Hell in a handbasket" phrase, a handcart careen uncontrollably down a steep slope to Hell would easily be the worst handcart imaginable -- ergo, a handcart from Hell.
But even if we go with your protagonist miraculously riding an handcart *up* a steep slope (*against* every law of physics known to man), where does your poem show that there's a woman in it?
Let's look at the first three stanzas:
On another level
About a thousand years ago-
I tried to hold her
And my heart won't let go.
In countless variations
Just another two old souls.
And this net... net... net...
Don't let go the coat!
On a handbasket from Hell
I hold the handle.
Hand basket from Hell
Both sides of the candle.
As previously noted, the phrase "On another level" usually follows a detailed description of the first level. Since the readers don't know what the original level pertained to, this phrase is both meaningless and confusing.
The closest I can guess as to what you're trying to say here is that your poem is supposed to take place on some inner plane of consciousness -- but that is certainly *not* what the phrase implies.
"About a thousand years ago-" situates the action of the narrative in 1020 AD or thereabouts. Again, while this is relatively close to the composition of Dante's "Inferno" (ca., 1320 AD), it falls far short of Orpheus' time (ca., 1400 BC). While the phrase can simply mean "a long time ago," the 1,000 year limitation implies that it was no further back than the Middle Ages.
"I tried to hold her
And my heart won't let go."
This passage denotes a lost love. The speaker is still in love with her in spite of the fact that she has left him, died, or both.
If we assume that she died, we still have no more grounds for connecting this with Orpheus than we do for connecting it with Edgar Allan Poe (or with anyone else whose wife predeceased him).
"In countless variations
Just another two old souls."
This is a pair of run-on fragments that don't appear to have any sensible meaning. What is performing countless variations of what? And what has someone's being an "old soul" got to do with it?
Based on your claim that your poem is inspired by the Orpheus myth (and not by *anything* in your poem itself), I'm guessing that you mean to say something along the lines of: "It played out like one of countless variations on the Orpheus myth. The souls of lovers are, ultimately, all the same -- regardless of the time in which they'd lived."
Again, this is a guess based on your insistence that your poem is inspired by the Orpheus myth. There is nothing in your poem to make me even suspect that this is what you were trying to say.
"And this net... net... net...
Don't let go the coat!"
And... WTF?
I can't even begin to venture as guess as to what the "net... net... net..." is about. The broken English directive, "Don't let go the coat!" could (possibly) mean that Eurydice is holding onto Orpheus' coattails as they ascend from Hell... but, wait a second... Orpheus is ascending *up* the slopes in a shopping cart while Eurydice runs along behind him? The image is really too ridiculous to entertain.
On a handbasket from Hell
I hold the handle.
Hand basket from Hell
Both sides of the candle.
Apart from the obvious similarity to the chorus of the AC/DC song, what is this supposed to mean? You are pushing the handbasket up the incline with "Eurydice" running along behind? You are pushing her in the basket... no, she'd be in front of you then, and couldn't hold onto your coattails. Or is the basket miraculously careen *up* the slopes, with Will/Orpheus holding the handle as though he were riding a rollercoaster?
Who knows? I do know that candles are usually cylindrical and don't have sides. Did you mean "both ends"?
Sorry, but I drawing a big fat nothing here. And, again, I have to ask why the lady is in Hell?