New filk: Bad Feeling

[Arthur T.]

This was a contest song at Philcon. Now that I've had time to
look it over, I see one line I don't like. More about that after the
song:

Title: Bad Feeling
ttto: I'll Never Fall In Love Again by Hal David & Burt Bacharach

What do you get when the vibes are bad?
You've creepy feelings and maybe nausea,
But in real life, you have no pause. Ya
Just got to figure how to move along.
You figure how to move along.

Sometimes you know that there's something wrong:
A soothsayer sees and angry lion,
And in his visions, people dying'
Just got to figure how to move along.
You figure how to move along.

Don't tell me it's all in my mind.
Been there before and I always find
Find that I'm screwed, tattooed, and blued when
I have a bad feeling again, then.

What do you do when you're sensing woe?
You just soldier on and hope and pray some.
And you will see the fated outcome.
Sometimes, maybe everybody dies.
Yes, maybe everybody dies.

The line I don't like is

I have a bad feeling again, then.

I have two possible fixes. I'd appreciate your comments about
them, and, of course, about anything else that could be improved.

My first try at a fix is:
Find when I have a real bad feeling
Things that will come are most unappealing

I'd go with that, except that it removes the line that got a
chuckle. So there's also this possibility:
Find that I'm screwed, tattooed, and blued when
I have a bad feeling about them.

I'm not overfond of that line, but I dislike it less than my
original.

[Gary McGath]

Post by Arthur T.
The line I don't like is

Post by Arthur T.
I have a bad feeling again, then.

I have two possible fixes. I'd appreciate your comments about
them, and, of course, about anything else that could be improved.
Find when I have a real bad feeling
Things that will come are most unappealing
I'd go with that, except that it removes the line that got a
Find that I'm screwed, tattooed, and blued when
I have a bad feeling about them.
I'm not overfond of that line, but I dislike it less than my
original.

I like the first fix, mostly because it fits the music best.

Post by Arthur T.
You just soldier on and hope and pray some.
And you will see the fated outcome.

How about "And you will see the fated day come"? That would rhyme
better, and it feels stronger to me.

[Arthur T.]

Post by Gary McGath
I like the first fix, mostly because it fits the music best.

Thank you for your opinion. That probably is the best of the 3.

Post by Gary McGath

Post by Arthur T.
You just soldier on and hope and pray some.
And you will see the fated outcome.

How about "And you will see the fated day come"? That would rhyme
better, and it feels stronger to me.

And I've always been a fan of feminine rhymes, even though I
have no idea why they're called that.

[Lee Gold XP]

Post by Arthur T.

Post by Gary McGath
I like the first fix, mostly because it fits the music best.

Thank you for your opinion. That probably is the best of the 3.

Post by Gary McGath

Post by Arthur T.
You just soldier on and hope and pray some.
And you will see the fated outcome.

How about "And you will see the fated day come"? That would rhyme
better, and it feels stronger to me.

And I've always been a fan of feminine rhymes, even though I
have no idea why they're called that.

The unstressed syllable is weak -- and therefore (?) feminine.

--Lee