Definitions

[Tim Bruening]

Circuit II: A set of components and instructions for building a Knight.

Cinarama: A Knight deciding whether to buy a new metal suit or spend his
money in a Whore House.

Projector: A hypodermic used by a Ho. Wurlitzer known fact that a lot of
them have habits. They'd catch cold otherwise.

Surance: Shouts a lot.

Sura: A Moslem Knight.

Saladin: A light lunch for same.

Surcingle: An unmarried Knight.

Surdez: That was his real name.

Surmount: A knight in the high country.

Surgery: Medical knight.

Servent: A knight in the pipes.

Serpent: A hissing knight.

Subtract: Whole neighborhood full of HUD housing...

[Tim Bruening]

Dedeuce - forgetting the score at a tennis match.

Enginears: Proximity detector for locomotives.

Racketeer - what a tennis player suffers from when his opponent wallops
him round the side of the head with the bat.

Umpire - Hunchback of Notre Dame on fire at a tennis match in spite of
thinking he's at a cricket match and loping around shouting, "The
bailes! The bailes!"

Car Barretta - what a priest wears while he's driving.

(If I've spelled it wrong, he's ballasted-well going along with a
resistance lamp on his head. Dangerous! It'll make him feel light
headed!)

Impose - what a male artist's model does.

Indisposition - how the artist would like him to stand.

Santa Claws - Edward Scissorhands gets a new job!

Muggy - a humid day just before Teuggy, Weggy and Thurggy.

Icicle - a vocal utterance on a very cold day.

[Tim Bruening]

Cervix: The Knight who created Vaporub.

Surface: The title bestowed upon the mobster "Scarface"

Circumcise: Knighted for finding a new way to measure ejaculation

Circumvent: Knighted for creating the reservoir-tipped condom

Circus: Knighted for his profanity

Survey (first name "Oy"): The first jewish knight

Conquest: a pace to put your seashell

Conquest: Prisoners in search of an escape route.

Prevail: Before the curtain.

[Tim Bruening]

Submit: What the relief pitcher wears.
Submit: Mermaid's glove.
Mermaid: Underwater domestic worker.
Submission: The church SUBWAY sandwich shop employees belong to.
Mitten: What the tin man's baseball glove is made of.
Commission: What they call the mission of Viagra. If that mission
succeeds, we get an emission.
Emission: Another church on the Internet.
Porpoise: bad muscular co-ordination or bad manners and/or social
graces.
Prince of Wales: Very large, aquatic footprints.

What's wrong?? That was a good one!
OK. Why does the Price of Wales have two ears?
Because with ears like his, if he only had one, a strong wind would break
his neck!
Princess Royal: Charles' sister who fell under a steam roller and was
flattened to 20 by 25 inches for printing and 19 by 24 inches for writing.

Did the Princess Di?

[Tim Bruening]

Adverse: A hostile song.
Adversity: A hostile city.
Converse: Singing criminal(s).
Reverse: To sing again.
Attract: What a train runs on.
Contract: Criminal railroad.
Retract: To go on the train again.
Subtract: What subway trains run on.
Subtract: A train underwater.

Digestive Tract: Chocolate railway lines. Umyay umyay!

Digest: Jokes by ex wife of Prince Charles.

[Tim Bruening]

A bill to legalize marijuana will be discussed by a joint session of

congress.

This news makes me feel high!

A Bill to legalise smoking the pink oboe might have saved Clitton. (Oops.
Freudian slip!)

Why smoke a musical instrument?

[Tim Bruening]

Hate crime-how I feel about lawbreaking.
Hate speech-why I don't talk much.
Hate groups-why I don't belong to any clubs.

Hateable: Why I eat on the floor.
Hatefulness: Why I don't eat much.

Haiti: I don't like that drink.

Hated: Don't like people called Edward.

Hatred: Don't like the color of stop lights and stop signs.

[Tim Bruening]

For many years the various sections of the Tate family were scattered

far

and wide. Finally, with the advent of cheap travel, they decided to get
together enmasse. What no one forsaw was that they were all extremely
amorous in nature.
Soon they had all paired off and the hall resounded with shouts, calls

and

grunts. Forevermore it became known as the united Tate's congress.

Leading to the Baby Boom.
Baby Boom: Very loud infants.

Narr. Infant travelling across the delivery room at >760MPH.
That mum must have had *some* muscles!

Is that the baby of Superman?

[Tim Bruening]

Porcupine: Cross between a pig and a tree.
Dolphin: What a doll fish needs to swim in the doll sea.

You posted those on porpoise!
Those kind of aquatic mammals can easily cetacean people against their
neighbours.

Conceal: Against certain marine mammals.

[Tim Bruening]

A bill to legalize marijuana will be discussed by a joint session of

congress.

This news makes me feel high!

A Bill to legalise smoking the pink oboe might have saved Clitton. (Oops.
Freudian slip!)

Who is this Freudian and why are you wearing her slip?

He's a Freudian, not!

Not a Knot C?

[Tim Bruening]

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins ain't fish. They're seat Asians!
Yer 4got L.E. Fants, C. Lions, B. Feeters, D. Mons and E. Baa Gooms (Online
Lankyshire sheep with no teeth.)

How about L Fish?

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins ain't fish. They're seat Asians!
Yer 4got L.E. Fants, C. Lions, B. Feeters, D. Mons and E. Baa Gooms (Online
Lankyshire sheep with no teeth.)

How about L Fish?

He's dead!

[Tim Bruening]

Post by Tim Bruening

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins ain't fish. They're seat Asians!
Yer 4got L.E. Fants, C. Lions, B. Feeters, D. Mons and E. Baa Gooms

(Online

Post by Tim Bruening

Lankyshire sheep with no teeth.)

How about L Fish?

He's dead!

L-Lephant: A big L with a big nose.

[Tim Bruening]

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins ain't fish. They're seat Asians!
Yer 4got L.E. Fants, C. Lions, B. Feeters, D. Mons and E. Baa Gooms (Online
Lankyshire sheep with no teeth.)

I like B Guls, C Guls, and E Guls. Also B-4s, B-9s, and B-12s.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins ain't fish. They're seat Asians!
Yer 4got L.E. Fants, C. Lions, B. Feeters, D. Mons and E. Baa Gooms (Online
Lankyshire sheep with no teeth.)

I like B Guls, C Guls, and E Guls. Also B-4s, B-9s, and B-12s.

I take a 1mg B-12 every day!

[Tim Bruening]

On Wed, 03 Dec 2003 00:00:26 GMT

People who die find themselves in a grave situation.

I once had a girlfriend like that. Of corpse, you cadaver.
Cybe R. Wizard

Don't get on the wrong side of anyone who works at a cemetary ---
they know where all the bodies are buried....

How goulish.

Morbid: Call at an auction.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

On Wed, 03 Dec 2003 00:00:26 GMT

People who die find themselves in a grave situation.

I once had a girlfriend like that. Of corpse, you cadaver.
Cybe R. Wizard

Don't get on the wrong side of anyone who works at a cemetary ---
they know where all the bodies are buried....

How goulish.
Morbid: Call at an auction.

Morbid fascination: What spurs customers to offere more cash.

[Tim Bruening]

Ambush!!! A big shrub with pigs hiding in it.

spelled wrong-the Presidents Brother Am Bush--

IS Bush!

I still say: Burning Bush seems like a good idea now, instead of a

Biblical

event.

But if we do that, we are as bad as the terrorists!

But he only condemns trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsts.
Praps he's thinking of ones who ride motorbikes.
I was being Meta Four Ear Call anyway!

Bush never Meta tax cut he didn't like.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Ambush!!! A big shrub with pigs hiding in it.

spelled wrong-the Presidents Brother Am Bush--

IS Bush!

I still say: Burning Bush seems like a good idea now, instead of a

Biblical

event.

But if we do that, we are as bad as the terrorists!

But he only condemns trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsts.
Praps he's thinking of ones who ride motorbikes.
I was being Meta Four Ear Call anyway!

Bush never Meta tax cut he didn't like.

If he cut the tax on Metaxa he'd be popular amongst the Greek community at
least.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metaxa

[Tim Bruening]

Wicker: Dog on food stamps.

Wicker: Evil dog.

[Tim Bruening]

I don't look forward to swimming in a Liverpool.

I'm quite symp-hepatic to that idea.

I think that our nation is losing its Seoul in the fight against
terrorism.

IRAte that a rather pessimistic pun.

Irate: Internet price.

Also, many of YouBlunder's customers when the server was playing up!
Still, they are the cheapest.
Cheapest: What corrosion is to a bunch of pacifist androids!

Why pacifist?

Deepen: Demon jail.

Deeper: Price of a demon.

Deepest: Demon parasite.

[Tim Bruening]

Beechwood: Sandy trees.
Box Elder: What they made gramps casket out of.
Karl Marx Roses: First Red Roses.
Redwood: Very tall trees much loved by environmentalists.
Readwood: A book.
Statice: Very high ranking flowers.
Sycamore: Don't want another bite.
Sycamore: What Valerie Harper said about reuniting with Mary

Tyler

Moore.

Hornbeam: Wife's expression when she sees the results of her husband

taking

Viagra!

Hawthorne: Laughing prickly plants.
Mulberry: A berry on which kids see all sorts of weird animals.

I hope the Germans harbour no grudges about Mulberry.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mulberry_Harbour
(I've put the URL beak horse if the film about capturing the Enigma

machine

is anything to go by, most of you yEncs probably think you invented this
too!)

Enigma: Mysterious female parent.

Good comedy, that film - especially the guy smoking inside the submarine!
Ever seen a hydrogen explosion?
And the way they took their time in spite of the fact that the German crew
might have set time-fuses on a torpedo or two to scuttle the boat!
Solid-fuel container at the bottom of the sea: Coal scuttle.

VW Bug: German vampire insect car.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Beechwood: Sandy trees.
Box Elder: What they made gramps casket out of.
Karl Marx Roses: First Red Roses.
Redwood: Very tall trees much loved by environmentalists.
Readwood: A book.
Statice: Very high ranking flowers.
Sycamore: Don't want another bite.
Sycamore: What Valerie Harper said about reuniting with Mary

Tyler

Moore.

Hornbeam: Wife's expression when she sees the results of her husband

taking

Viagra!

Hawthorne: Laughing prickly plants.
Mulberry: A berry on which kids see all sorts of weird animals.

I hope the Germans harbour no grudges about Mulberry.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mulberry_Harbour
(I've put the URL beak horse if the film about capturing the Enigma

machine

is anything to go by, most of you yEncs probably think you invented this
too!)

Enigma: Mysterious female parent.

Good comedy, that film - especially the guy smoking inside the submarine!
Ever seen a hydrogen explosion?
And the way they took their time in spite of the fact that the German crew
might have set time-fuses on a torpedo or two to scuttle the boat!
Solid-fuel container at the bottom of the sea: Coal scuttle.

VW Bug: German vampire insect car.

Mercy Deis: German car by the grace of G*d.

[Tim Bruening]

Beechwood: Sandy trees.
Box Elder: What they made gramps casket out of.
Karl Marx Roses: First Red Roses.
Redwood: Very tall trees much loved by environmentalists.
Readwood: A book.
Statice: Very high ranking flowers.
Sycamore: Don't want another bite.
Sycamore: What Valerie Harper said about reuniting with Mary Tyler
Moore.

Hornbeam: Wife's expression when she sees the results of her husband

taking

Viagra!

Hawthorne: Laughing prickly plants.
Mulberry: A berry on which kids see all sorts of weird animals.

I hope the Germans harbour no grudges about Mulberry.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mulberry_Harbour
(I've put the URL beak horse if the film about capturing the Enigma machine
is anything to go by, most of you yEncs probably think you invented this
too!)

Enigma: Mysterious female parent.

[Tim Bruening]

How many of you Haiti? How many of you hate coffee?
Every two weeks, I get a Czech at the Davis Enterprise.
Checker: Dog from the Czech Republic.

A very low-powered Hoover: Slovac.

Roper: Price of oars.
Trajectory: A British Conservative's course.
Dilatory: Lazy British Conservative.

Trajectory: The ballistic path followed by an open receptacle for holding,
displaying or serving articles or food, thrown at Margaret Thatcher!
Ballistic: Large staff often used by classical choreographers to beat out
the rythm.

Oratory: Thatcher talks on and on.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

How many of you Haiti? How many of you hate coffee?
Every two weeks, I get a Czech at the Davis Enterprise.
Checker: Dog from the Czech Republic.

A very low-powered Hoover: Slovac.

Roper: Price of oars.
Trajectory: A British Conservative's course.
Dilatory: Lazy British Conservative.

Trajectory: The ballistic path followed by an open receptacle for holding,
displaying or serving articles or food, thrown at Margaret Thatcher!
Ballistic: Large staff often used by classical choreographers to beat out
the rythm.

Oratory: Thatcher talks on and on.

Don't forget Norman Tebbit who looks like a thin-faced Peter Cushing playing
Dracula!

Loading Image...

Don't you point that finger at me! It might go off!

[Tim Bruening]

I don't look forward to swimming in a Liverpool.

I'm quite symp-hepatic to that idea.

I think that our nation is losing its Seoul in the fight against
terrorism.

IRAte that a rather pessimistic pun.

Irate: Internet price.

Ireland: Nation of angry people.

Berate: Price of angry bee.

Aerate: Price of a wig - and if it's a cheap one - it's a small price
toupee!

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

I don't look forward to swimming in a Liverpool.

I'm quite symp-hepatic to that idea.

I think that our nation is losing its Seoul in the fight against
terrorism.

IRAte that a rather pessimistic pun.

Irate: Internet price.

Ireland: Nation of angry people.

Berate: Price of angry bee.

Aerate: Price of a wig - and if it's a cheap one - it's a small price
toupee!

Rug Rats: What they make cheap wigs from!

[Tim Bruening]

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins ain't fish. They're seat Asians!
Yer 4got L.E. Fants, C. Lions, B. Feeters, D. Mons and E. Baa Gooms (Online
Lankyshire sheep with no teeth.)

How about L Fish?

[Tim Bruening]

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn

Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin

I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

[nemo]

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins is Seat Asians, not fish!

Dull Fins is Seat Asians in the dark.

[Tim Bruening]

Post by nemo

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins is Seat Asians, not fish!
Dull Fins is Seat Asians in the dark.

I am referring to Mahi Mahi fish.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Post by nemo

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins is Seat Asians, not fish!
Dull Fins is Seat Asians in the dark.

I am referring to Mahi Mahi fish.

Mahi matologist said not to. They might not like being talked about behind
their dorsæ.

[Tim Bruening]

Kinda lame but...
What do Dragons eat when they are trying to loose weight?
Knight lite
or
if you kill a werewolf and skin it and put on the skin does that make you a
wearwolf?

When Indian vampires die, they are burned in vampyres.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Kinda lame but...
What do Dragons eat when they are trying to loose weight?
Knight lite
or
if you kill a werewolf and skin it and put on the skin does that make you a
wearwolf?

When Indian vampires die, they are burned in vampyres.

When undead truck drivers die, they're burned in van pyres!

[Tim Bruening]

Turtle keeper: Terry Pinn
Mermaid Barbie: Dolphin
I have never driven down the TernPike, but I have seen Hair-ons,
C-Gulls, E-Gulls, Doll Fin fish, and Tuna.

Doll Fins ain't fish. They're seat Asians!
Yer 4got L.E. Fants, C. Lions, B. Feeters, D. Mons and E. Baa Gooms (Online
Lankyshire sheep with no teeth.)

I like B Guls, C Guls, and E Guls. Also B-4s, B-9s, and B-12s.

[Tim Bruening]

On Wed, 03 Dec 2003 00:00:26 GMT

People who die find themselves in a grave situation.

I once had a girlfriend like that. Of corpse, you cadaver.
Cybe R. Wizard

Don't get on the wrong side of anyone who works at a cemetary ---
they know where all the bodies are buried....

How goulish.

Morbid: Call at an auction.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

On Wed, 03 Dec 2003 00:00:26 GMT

People who die find themselves in a grave situation.

I once had a girlfriend like that. Of corpse, you cadaver.
Cybe R. Wizard

Don't get on the wrong side of anyone who works at a cemetary ---
they know where all the bodies are buried....

How goulish.

Lots of Paprika: How Goulash!

Post by Tim Bruening
Morbid: Call at an auction.

[Tim Bruening]

Ambush!!! A big shrub with pigs hiding in it.

spelled wrong-the Presidents Brother Am Bush--

IS Bush!

I still say: Burning Bush seems like a good idea now, instead of a

Biblical

event.

But if we do that, we are as bad as the terrorists!

But he only condemns trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsts.
Praps he's thinking of ones who ride motorbikes.
I was being Meta Four Ear Call anyway!

Bush never Meta tax cut he didn't like.

[Tim Bruening]

A chicken, a rabbit, and a turtle went out to seek their fortune
together, and settled in a meadow. The rabbit was sent out to fetch
fertilizer, while the chicken and turtle set up a homestead. The rabbit
had an amazingly hard time finding fertilizer, taking 20 years to find
some. The rabbit then returned to the homestead to find that a mansion
had been set up in his absence. The rabbit knocked on the door, which
was opened by a butler. He asked the butler "Is Mr. Chicken there?".
The butler said "Mr. Chicken is in the pen." The rabbit then asked "Is
Mr. Turtle there?". The butler said "Mr. Turtle is at the well". The
rabbit then said "Tell them that Mr. Rabbit is here with the shit".

[Tim Bruening]

George had persuaded Fran to marry him, and was formally asking her
father for permission. "Sir", he said, "I would like your daughter for
my wife." "Why can't she get one of her own?" Fran's father asked.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening
George had persuaded Fran to marry him, and was formally asking her
father for permission. "Sir", he said, "I would like your daughter for
my wife." "Why can't she get one of her own?" Fran's father asked.

Used in Blackadder when he was asking that of the Yorkshire mill-owner on
the Prince Regent's behalf because the Prince wanted to marry his daughter.
Hill hairy arse!

[Tim Bruening]

I noted a certain amount of stanfoFISHness whilst reading the replies,
so thought I would write a CODe for you to follow when replying.

firstly dont take FINS personally, your probably taking things
completly TROUT of context, before replying SCALE to yourself the
following
"i have probably BLOW-FISH this out of all PORPOSEtion, I need to CLAM
down, take a deep breath" after a while you will start to FILET a bit
calmer,

Now... dosent that feel BATTER? no need to put your heart and SOLE
into thinking up a nasty reply. just sit back and chill.
thank you for making the NET a much nicer PLAICE to be. SEA it really
isnt that hard to be nice.


Tell me if i missed one ;)

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening
I noted a certain amount of stanfoFISHness whilst reading the replies,
so thought I would write a CODe for you to follow when replying.
firstly dont take FINS personally, your probably taking things
completly TROUT of context, before replying SCALE to yourself the
following
"i have probably BLOW-FISH this out of all PORPOSEtion, I need to CLAM
down, take a deep breath" after a while you will start to FILET a bit
calmer,
Now... dosent that feel BATTER? no need to put your heart and SOLE
into thinking up a nasty reply. just sit back and chill.
thank you for making the NET a much nicer PLAICE to be. SEA it really
isnt that hard to be nice.
Tell me if i missed one ;)

We're dace-hussing fish are we? Hake hay. I'll mullet over and sea what I
can come up with.

[Tim Bruening]

Penmanship: the caligrapher's craft (from an old NY Times crossword)

Pentax: Tax on said craft.

Pending: Musical writing implement.

[Tim Bruening]

My girlfriend found a new pencil store
She lead me right to it

I don't see the point.

It was meant 2B'

You are very blunt :-(

Sharpen: To make a pen more pointed.

Sharpton: 2,000 pounds of knives.

[Tim Bruening]

When was the last time you had a whale of a time and who did you
have it with ?
I tried once to orca-strate a party for all my friends, but
blubbered it up.

I baleen the last time was when a bunch of dorks showed up with
some sperms in Narwhal Connect-a-kit, and the cops issued an
Ambergris Alert.

That was just a fluke.
And it went over like a lead baleen

you are both all wet

I hate to harpoon but once in a whale I'd like to see a thread with
porpoise.

I have read that cetaceans go to school at the University of Whales.

Prince of Whales: Footmarks of a wailing man.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

When was the last time you had a whale of a time and who did you
have it with ?
I tried once to orca-strate a party for all my friends, but
blubbered it up.

I baleen the last time was when a bunch of dorks showed up with
some sperms in Narwhal Connect-a-kit, and the cops issued an
Ambergris Alert.

That was just a fluke.
And it went over like a lead baleen

you are both all wet

I hate to harpoon but once in a whale I'd like to see a thread with
porpoise.

I have read that cetaceans go to school at the University of Whales.
Prince of Whales: Footmarks of a wailing man.

Indestinct ones on the deck of a barge: Footmarks of a lighterman

[Tim Bruening]

Humor fans,
Let's enjoy a new "Humor of the Great Composers" today!!!
Q: What did the conductor say when the 2 opera stars were late in
performing an instrumental or vocal composition written for two performers
of equal importance?
A: Just do it!!!

Also the advice he gave to a newly married couple.

HH: do it. du-et. A duet is an instrumental or vocal composition written
for two performers of equal importance. Get it??? Ha Ha Ha!!!

[Tim Bruening]

I been saying donkey shit.

Heck, that's been manifestly evident for weeks now!

You be nice to me, or I'll have Larry post to you.

I'm really glad that you put the second "to" in that sentence.

The word was 'post', not 'pole'.

Post and pole can mean the exact same thing.

Larry "The Post" Krzewinski......nawww, makes you sound
like something the paperboy tossed off into the bushes.

Or it could mean that I'm the top poster every week to rec.humor as
some statistician keeps noting. I think he needs broadband.

Banding broads is fun.

Banding: Prohibit bells.

[Tim Bruening]

On Sun, 18 Apr 2004 11:30:29 -0700, Larry Krzewinski

Yeah, but the Snickers were Fun Size.

Snickers being yet another euphemism.

Snickers being a candy bar.

Used pygthur be called Marathon over here before changing its name
pygthur Snickers.

Now folks in Scotland run a 26 mile Snickers?

The Laugh Race!

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

On Sun, 18 Apr 2004 11:30:29 -0700, Larry Krzewinski

Yeah, but the Snickers were Fun Size.

Snickers being yet another euphemism.

Snickers being a candy bar.

Used pygthur be called Marathon over here before changing its name
pygthur Snickers.

Now folks in Scotland run a 26 mile Snickers?

Mohels?

Post by Tim Bruening
The Laugh Race!

I don't think so!

[Tim Bruening]

I'm not _that_ easy!

That's not what some of the guys from atj tell me behind your

back!

<g>

Don't judge everyone by the patrons of the places you visit Larry.

Thanks for giving me that heads up about Wal-Mart.

Shop someplace else then.

What? Miss all the people, junk for sale, crap in the aisles and
parking 20 minutes away from the place? Never!

Crap in the aisles? Doesn't Wal-Mart have restrooms?

[Tim Bruening]

Humor fans,
Let's enjoy a new "Humor of the Great Composers" today!!!
Q: What did the conductor say when the 2 opera stars were late in
performing an instrumental or vocal composition written for two performers
of equal importance?
A: Just do it!!!

Also the advice he gave to a newly married couple.

HH: do it. du-et. A duet is an instrumental or vocal composition written
for two performers of equal importance. Get it??? Ha Ha Ha!!!

[Tim Bruening]

On Tue, 20 Apr 2004 13:29:47 -0400, "Greg Evans"

You mean I have pygthur study Shakespeare pygthur be
able pygthur participate in atj?

Yes - if you don't, you'll be permanently bard from the group.

There's a Tempest brewing I see.

I would love for a pest to be temporary.

[Tim Bruening]

Columbus: Mass Transit Vehicle that crosses the Blue C.

Narr. It's a big copper strip that carries current across the vertical
cylindrical things in a portico.

Current: To borrow or lease a canine.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Columbus: Mass Transit Vehicle that crosses the Blue C.

Narr. It's a big copper strip that carries current across the vertical
cylindrical things in a portico.

Current: To borrow or lease a canine.

Electric Current: To borrow or lease K-9.

[Tim Bruening]

I did, but forgot to sign it.
Hope you can figure out it's from me.

"If The E-mail Doesn't *Ding*, It's Me" ?

E-mail: Internet armor.
Eeker: Internet dog.

Don't forger the e-Mohel, travelling on trains provided by the UK Postal
Service, Mohel Rail.
E-mitation. Indian gent wearing a glove he bought online.

Batten: 10 flying mammals.
Bitten: The 10th computer file.
Bitberg: A computer in ice.
Baton Rouge: Red heavy flying mammal in Louisiana.

Gordon Rouge: French guy drunk on Champaign looking for his Mumm!

Gordon: The 2000 Democratic candidate leads the Mafia.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

I did, but forgot to sign it.
Hope you can figure out it's from me.

"If The E-mail Doesn't *Ding*, It's Me" ?

E-mail: Internet armor.
Eeker: Internet dog.

Don't forger the e-Mohel, travelling on trains provided by the UK Postal
Service, Mohel Rail.
E-mitation. Indian gent wearing a glove he bought online.

Batten: 10 flying mammals.
Bitten: The 10th computer file.
Bitberg: A computer in ice.
Baton Rouge: Red heavy flying mammal in Louisiana.

Gordon Rouge: French guy drunk on Champaign looking for his Mumm!

Gordon: The 2000 Democratic candidate leads the Mafia.

Gordon Brown: Hopefully our next Prime Monster.

[Tim Bruening]

Larry Krzewinski wrote: A humourous joke.
Mos asks: Can we really do that here?

It's against the bylaws and counts as ten demerits but who the heck

is

gonna enforce it?

Chattering: Ring that talks as much as the donkey on Shrek.

Buffering: A naked ring.
Tittering: ouch
Dickering: double ouch

Buffering: A ring that slays vampires.

Silecon Chip that helps upside-down witches curse what stops trains in a
4009 Hex Inverting Buffer!

A buffer that bounces harmful magic back on the caster?

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Larry Krzewinski wrote: A humourous joke.
Mos asks: Can we really do that here?

It's against the bylaws and counts as ten demerits but who the heck

is

gonna enforce it?

Chattering: Ring that talks as much as the donkey on Shrek.

Buffering: A naked ring.
Tittering: ouch
Dickering: double ouch

Buffering: A ring that slays vampires.

Silecon Chip that helps upside-down witches curse what stops trains in a
4009 Hex Inverting Buffer!

A buffer that bounces harmful magic back on the caster?

There's a sign and a file that does that.

[Tim Bruening]

Folks,
Rumor has it that a certain senior son on spring break was spotted
on a street corner in Boulder... busking! Some kind folks should
please take the kid in and feed him.
And on that proud fatherly thought, Ziggy's Joke o' the day was sent
The results of a recent survey have been released. It was a
poll on how women felt about the size of their ass.
The findings of the study are very interesting: 85% of women
think their ass is too big, 10% of women think their ass is
too small.
And 5% of women say that they don't care, they love him and
would have married him anyway.

Married to donkeys? That's worse than the gay marriage controversy!

Asswife!!

butt honey?!?...

Special brand for use as a lubricant?

Lubricant: Ant that reduces friction.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Folks,
Rumor has it that a certain senior son on spring break was spotted
on a street corner in Boulder... busking! Some kind folks should
please take the kid in and feed him.
And on that proud fatherly thought, Ziggy's Joke o' the day was sent
The results of a recent survey have been released. It was a
poll on how women felt about the size of their ass.
The findings of the study are very interesting: 85% of women
think their ass is too big, 10% of women think their ass is
too small.
And 5% of women say that they don't care, they love him and
would have married him anyway.

Married to donkeys? That's worse than the gay marriage

controversy!

Post by Tim Bruening

Asswife!!

butt honey?!?...

Special brand for use as a lubricant?

Lubricant: Ant that reduces friction.

From Oiland?

[Tim Bruening]

Reduce: The tennis game is tied again.
Reduce: Mussolini is back in power.
Subtract: A train underwater.
Duction: The process of becoming a duck.
Conduct: Against ducks.
Conduction: Against becoming a duck.
Reduction: To become a duck again.
Subtraction: How a sub pushes off against the ground.
Duct Tape: Used to tape together broken ducks.
Duct Tape: Recording of duck calls.

Duct Tape: Primate in charge of running cables within trunking.
Trunking: Elephant monarch.

Horsing: An equine singer or a singer with a cold.

[Tim Bruening]

Post by Tim Bruening

Reduce: The tennis game is tied again.
Reduce: Mussolini is back in power.
Subtract: A train underwater.
Duction: The process of becoming a duck.
Conduct: Against ducks.
Conduction: Against becoming a duck.
Reduction: To become a duck again.
Subtraction: How a sub pushes off against the ground.
Duct Tape: Used to tape together broken ducks.
Duct Tape: Recording of duck calls.

Duct Tape: Primate in charge of running cables within trunking.
Trunking: Elephant monarch.

Horsing: An equine singer or a singer with a cold.

Horsing around: Equine choir singing a canon.

Singing an artillery weapon?

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Post by Tim Bruening

Reduce: The tennis game is tied again.
Reduce: Mussolini is back in power.
Subtract: A train underwater.
Duction: The process of becoming a duck.
Conduct: Against ducks.
Conduction: Against becoming a duck.
Reduction: To become a duck again.
Subtraction: How a sub pushes off against the ground.
Duct Tape: Used to tape together broken ducks.
Duct Tape: Recording of duck calls.

Duct Tape: Primate in charge of running cables within trunking.
Trunking: Elephant monarch.

Horsing: An equine singer or a singer with a cold.

Horsing around: Equine choir singing a canon.

Singing an artillery weapon?

Yeah. They're firing it at another lot because of a family fugue!

[Tim Bruening]

A zookeeper was hospitalised after being diagnosed with severe

hippotension!

But he turned out to be Lion.

A Bee Lion???

No, a C Lion!

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

A zookeeper was hospitalised after being diagnosed with severe

hippotension!

But he turned out to be Lion.

A Bee Lion???

No, a C Lion!

One of those has just gone F lion past my window.

Just had a minute's silence for the 51 people who died in the London
bombings a year ago today.

I could have been one of them. If I hadn't overslept, I might well have been
walking through Tavistock Square when the bus exploded. Very scary.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5153678.stm

[Tim Bruening]

found
Bruening)

The Greatest Man Ever - 24293 posts (and counting) of such

idiotic

conversation you could almost swear you were in Warsaw.

Like we can't swear no matter where we are.

Now it's at 24,428.

Would you swear to that?

Hmmm ... seems like an Olympic event: sportswear.

Shhhh ... that's bejing saved for the Chinese Olympunics.

Jeff Craine here at the Olympunics, let's go to Bart for the play by
"Well, Craine, it seems like the Russian team's speeding through the
event, but the team from Greece seems to be slipping. The team from
Wales seems to be crying, and the team from Tibet was disqualified for
gambling. The team from Kenya keeps asking others for help, and the team
from Germany has a leg joint injury which will require antibiotics. Back
to you, Craine."

Does the Swedish team have a sweet tooth?
The team from Iran is leading in all the foot races.
Napoleon: Sleeping dictator.

Dictator: Spud in the shape of a thingey.
Commontator: Cockney spud.
Spectator: Spud with lots of eyes.

Rotator: A robot potato.

[Tim Bruening]

Ceramic: A sheep pottery knight

Ceramic: A pottery Irishman.

That should be: potted Irishman.

Is the Irishman a plant?

Yeah. He was a silver spy: A secret argent.

R. Gent: A polit male robot.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Ceramic: A sheep pottery knight

Ceramic: A pottery Irishman.

That should be: potted Irishman.

Is the Irishman a plant?

Yeah. He was a silver spy: A secret argent.

R. Gent: A polit male robot.

A silve on?

[Tim Bruening]

Mucus: Cursing cat.

Mucus Membrain: Slimy guy obsessed with the 13th letter of the

Hebrew

alphabet.

Mucus: Cursing cow.

Memorable: Choice between the 13th letter of the Hebrew alphabet and a

male

cow. Shor is!

Hebrew: The man made wine.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Mucus: Cursing cat.

Mucus Membrain: Slimy guy obsessed with the 13th letter of the

Hebrew

alphabet.

Mucus: Cursing cow.

Memorable: Choice between the 13th letter of the Hebrew alphabet and a

male

cow. Shor is!

Hebrew: The man made wine.

Eve writ: She did the paperwork.

[Tim Bruening]

Capacity: A city with lots of storage space.
Curiosity: A city full of intellectuals, explorers, and scientists.
Curiocity: A metropolis full of knickknacks antiques and art work.
Diversity: A place full of all different kinds of people.
Abili-Tea: Make you able to do anything.
Agili-Tea: Makes you very nimble.
Combust: Either a broken computer or a burning computer.
Nim Bee: A bee that doesn't want anything in its backyard.
Nim Bull: A very agile bull.
Combusti Bull: A burning bull.
Com Post: Either e-mail or a computer in a dump.

Incendiary Bus: London's 'Bendy Buses' before they found out why they kept
on bursting into flames.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/3563279.stm
Bursting: Pain from cutting your hand on a rough edge on a piece of metal.

Bursting: From a cold bee.

[Tim Bruening]

Chinese: Asian knees.
Embrace: M shaped brace that hugs you.
Fumigate: A gate that deodorizes.
Innocent: A non guilty penny.
Ogre Knight: An Ogre who becomes a knight Ogre night, and thus becomes
an Ogre Knight/Night success.
Sneer Ring: A ring that sneers.
Cocaine: A cane which drugs people.
Crack Pot: A cracked pot which drives people crazy or worse.

. . . or a china receptacle for a certaing kind of cocaine.

Defense: An impenetrable D shaped fence.

Bricking: Construction monarch. His palace is make from bickbats.

[Tim Bruening]

Promote: In favor of filling a circular trench with water, or in favor
of shedding one's skin.
Propose: In favor of standing up straight.

Porpoise: bad muscular co-ordination or bad manners and/or social graces.

Prince of Wales: Very loud member of the British Royal Family.

[Tim Bruening]

Promote: In favor of filling a circular trench with water, or in favor
of shedding one's skin.
Propose: In favor of standing up straight.

Porpoise: bad muscular co-ordination or bad manners and/or social graces.

Prince of Wales: Very large, aquatic footprints.

[nemo]

Promote: In favor of filling a circular trench with water, or in favor
of shedding one's skin.
Propose: In favor of standing up straight.

Porpoise: bad muscular co-ordination or bad manners and/or social graces.

Prince of Wales: Very large, aquatic footprints.

Someone must have been crossing wales with cælocanths!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caelocanth

[Tim Bruening]

Post by Tim Bruening

My girlfriend found a new pencil store
She lead me right to it

I don't see the point.

It was meant 2B'

You are very blunt :-(

Sharpen: To make a pen more pointed.
Sharpton: 2,000 pounds of knives.

They'd make a messer yer!

Messer: Dirty knight.

[Tim Bruening]

How many of you Haiti? How many of you hate coffee?
Every two weeks, I get a Czech at the Davis Enterprise.
Checker: Dog from the Czech Republic.

A very low-powered Hoover: Slovac.

Roper: Price of oars.
Trajectory: A British Conservative's course.
Dilatory: Lazy British Conservative.

Dedicatory: The promiscuous male Conservative.
Deletory: A Conservative who spends all his time going out for continental
foods.
Deviatory: All of 'em. They're all bent as corkscrews!

Abjectory: Very servile and or sad British Conservative.

Congratulatory: To praise Margaret Thatcher.

Conjectory: Theories about British Conservatives.

Derogatory: To make racist remarks about British Conservatives.

Ejectory: Margaret Thatcher flies out an airplane.

Erectory: Male British Conservative having sex.

[Tim Bruening]

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A. He had no body to dance with.

What do you do if you see a skeleton running across a busy road?
Jump out of your skin and join him.

What do you do if you see a skeleton who's been broken in half?
Jump out of your skin and join him.
Would have been better.

Where do ghosts live?
In a far distant terror-tory.

Strange that - because apart from the odd rare poltergeist throwing things
about which is more likely to be telekinesis by a mischievous child nearby
anyway, ghosts never seem to hurt anyone.
I don't think anyone's ever got wooooooooooonded by a ghost.

Do you know any telekinetics?

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A. He had no body to dance with.

What do you do if you see a skeleton running across a busy road?
Jump out of your skin and join him.

What do you do if you see a skeleton who's been broken in half?
Jump out of your skin and join him.
Would have been better.

Where do ghosts live?
In a far distant terror-tory.

Strange that - because apart from the odd rare poltergeist throwing things
about which is more likely to be telekinesis by a mischievous child nearby
anyway, ghosts never seem to hurt anyone.
I don't think anyone's ever got wooooooooooonded by a ghost.

Do you know any telekinetics?

Only poultry giests, but I'm too chicken to try and find any.

[Tim Bruening]

Firmamit: Celestial glove.
Kismit: Glove with a destiny.
Linimit: Medicated glove.
Ornamit: Small ceramic glove.
Peppermit: you take a stack of 'em and throw them.. like in a
snow ball fight.. and the other person looks at-choo and catches one in
the face and on account of the pepper, goes Kachoo!
Testamit: Entrance exam to bible school. Glove used to swear there-on...

In ancient times, men would touch their gonads to swear an oath. That's
where words like testify come from. In polite circles, usually populated by
squares, this is known as placing one's hand under one's thigh.

What did women touch to swear an oath?

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Firmamit: Celestial glove.
Kismit: Glove with a destiny.
Linimit: Medicated glove.
Ornamit: Small ceramic glove.
Peppermit: you take a stack of 'em and throw them.. like in a
snow ball fight.. and the other person looks at-choo and catches one in
the face and on account of the pepper, goes Kachoo!
Testamit: Entrance exam to bible school. Glove used to swear there-on...

In ancient times, men would touch their gonads to swear an oath. That's
where words like testify come from. In polite circles, usually populated by
squares, this is known as placing one's hand under one's thigh.

What did women touch to swear an oath?

They probably weren't allowed to. In those days they were more-or-less the
property of their husbands, so the husbands did all the business and legal
stuff.

[Tim Bruening]

On Sat, 08 May 2004 02:59:41 -0700, Tim Bruening

Yes and I'm famished... got any Timbits?

Samples of my puns?:)

Actually Tim Horton's.

Horton: 2,000 pound prostitute?

Photon: Heavy enemy.

Proton: In favor of weight.

Neutron: To castrate ex- President Regan.

Elect Ron!

Wasn't once enough?

We've elected two Bushes, so why not two Rons?

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

On Sat, 08 May 2004 02:59:41 -0700, Tim Bruening

Yes and I'm famished... got any Timbits?

Samples of my puns?:)

Actually Tim Horton's.

Horton: 2,000 pound prostitute?

Photon: Heavy enemy.

Proton: In favor of weight.

Neutron: To castrate ex- President Regan.

Elect Ron!

Wasn't once enough?

We've elected two Bushes, so why not two Rons?

The two Ron Ron Rons,
The two Ron Rons?

[Tim Bruening]

He's doing his yearly Muslim fast, there's nothing you could Ramadan
his throat right now.

Ramming: Male sheep vase.
Scardy: A cowardly demon.

Sorry, no dictionaries indexed in the selected category contain the word
Scardy.
scary (found in 17 dictionaries)
scard (found in 6 dictionaries)
scared (found in 15 dictionaries)
scarry (found in 6 dictionaries)
swardy (found in 5 dictionaries)
scarey (found in 5 dictionaries)
sacred (found in 29 dictionaries)
scarred (found in 11 dictionaries)
shardy (found in 4 dictionaries)
scray (found in 6 dictionaries)
I thought Shardy was a singer who spelled it funny for effect.

Shardy: Small glass demon.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

He's doing his yearly Muslim fast, there's nothing you could Ramadan
his throat right now.

Ramming: Male sheep vase.
Scardy: A cowardly demon.

Sorry, no dictionaries indexed in the selected category contain the word
Scardy.
scary (found in 17 dictionaries)
scard (found in 6 dictionaries)
scared (found in 15 dictionaries)
scarry (found in 6 dictionaries)
swardy (found in 5 dictionaries)
scarey (found in 5 dictionaries)
sacred (found in 29 dictionaries)
scarred (found in 11 dictionaries)
shardy (found in 4 dictionaries)
scray (found in 6 dictionaries)
I thought Shardy was a singer who spelled it funny for effect.

Shardy: Small glass demon.

Who made paople scree-m?

[Tim Bruening]

Wicker: Dog on food stamps.

Wicker: Evil dog.

[Tim Bruening]

Seaming: Chinese vase in the ocean.
Swimming: Vase in a pool.
Whisker: Long thin dog.
Whisper: Price of small light remnant.

Whiskey: Metal device shaped in such a way that when it is inserted into the
appropriate lock the lock's mechanism can be rotated, that opens the
cocktail cabinet.

Cocktail: Rear of a rooster?

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

Seaming: Chinese vase in the ocean.
Swimming: Vase in a pool.
Whisker: Long thin dog.
Whisper: Price of small light remnant.

Whiskey: Metal device shaped in such a way that when it is inserted into the
appropriate lock the lock's mechanism can be rotated, that opens the
cocktail cabinet.

Cocktail: Rear of a rooster?

More to do with what emerges from the rear of a hen:

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=Cocktail&searchmode=none

[Tim Bruening]

War-ming: Hostile Chinese vase or hot Chinese vase.
Hostile: Aggressive fence.
Fencing: Singing barrier.

Prezoomably, if you're stopped by such a singing barrier, you're Foiled!

Foil Ling: A Chinese Saber Artist.

[nemo]

Post by Tim Bruening

War-ming: Hostile Chinese vase or hot Chinese vase.
Hostile: Aggressive fence.
Fencing: Singing barrier.

Prezoomably, if you're stopped by such a singing barrier, you're Foiled!

Foil Ling: A Chinese Saber Artist.

Prehistoric beast which never lies: SabRE truth tiger.

[Tim Bruening]

Post by Tim Bruening

War-ming: Hostile Chinese vase or hot Chinese vase.
Hostile: Aggressive fence.
Fencing: Singing barrier.

Prezoomably, if you're stopped by such a singing barrier, you're Foiled!

Foil Ling: A Chinese Saber Artist.

Are you épée now you've said that?
Alloo Minion: An Indian servant who looks after the potatoes.

Say Burrrrr!!!!!!!

[Tim Bruening]

Blood Ding: Chinese vampire.
Fade Ding: Chinese growing fainter.
Faint Ting: Chinese becoming unconscious.
Indict Ting: Chinese grand jury.
Loot Ting: Chinese thieves.
Loo Ting: Chinese toilet maker.

In Waa Tiym you can get shot for Loo Ting!

Kong Fu: martial art for large apes.

Hong Kong: Bell that recently rejoined China.

Abdi-Kate: Queen who quits.

Academ-Mick: Irish college student.

Adjudi-Kate: Woman that mediates lawsuits.

Advo-Kate: Female lawyer.

[Tim Bruening]

Alien-Nate: E.T. man who ticks people off.

Allo-Kate: Woman who helps the 2000 Democratic Presidential candidate
move.

Chas-Ten: To follow 10 people.

Cler-Rick: A Muslim Imam with a strange name.

Confis-Kate: Woman who removes contraband, including water bottles,
shampoo, chapstick, shoe inserts, etc.

[Tim Bruening]

Static: Electric tic.
Dramatic: Tic in a play.
Lunatic: Insane tic.
Ticker: Dog parasite.
Fleecing: Singing parasite.

If crabs were part of creation, then Adam and Eve were lousy.
That's why they had to Flea from Eden.
Adam was heard to say, "That really bugged me."
Eve said, "I think we both have something to crab about."

I thought that they were done in by a snake, not a crab.

Smitten: Snake glove.

Smutt: Snake dog.

Drui-Dick: Pagan penis.

Dyna-Mick: Energetic Irish man.

Edu-Kate: Woman school teacher.

Hispan-Nick: Man from Latin America.

[Tim Bruening]

Com-Mick: Funny man.

Environ-Mental: Crazy conservationist.

Regim-Mental: Crazy drill sergeant.

Senti-Mental: Crazy about the past.

Evo-Kate: Women who brings forth memories.

[Tim Bruening]

found

A farmer had a cow, Bessie. She was difficult, kicking over the

milk

pail and refusing to come in at night. Well, Bessie got pregnant.

After

she gave birth, she changed. "Bessie's really mellowed out," the
farmer told his wife. "What do you think happened?" "That's

easy," she

replied. "Don't you know, Bessie's been decalf-inated!"

How cheesy.

Udder nonsense.

Bulling for you ...

Bullying: A bell that harasses people and beats them up.

Bullyang: A bell that's very nice to people and tends to their wounds.

Equivo-Kate: Woman who can't decide.

Demar-Kate: Woman who sets boundries.

Fabri-Kate: Woman who fibs.

Facili-Tate: Man who makes things easier.

[Tim Bruening]

Sassy: Ocean that speaks up.

Saudi: Middle East demon with lots of oil.

Scabby: Apine strike breaker.

Shanty: Tea in a slum.

Tipsy: Alcoholic ocean.

Tipsy: Ocean of money for waiters.