the value of what the author is saying and agree wholeheartedly.
Post by ? Phil CWhy are women attracted to "bad boys" ?
Why do men have these "barbaric" traits?
What are they each (men and women) taught by family/society ?
I think you will find that many of the characteristics found below in
the "rules of manhood"
are somewhat lacking in a "nice guy".
That is the good news.
The bad news is WOMEN as well as men learn that these same
characteristics are desireable in men,
and are attracted to them. It is no wonder so many relationships
flounder ...
I think it is true that "nice guys" don't display some of these
problematic (for good long-term relationships) characteristics, but,
of course,
a degree of those characteristics is good ....there are good reasons
for the "rules of manhood".
and "good guys" are often found lacking ...
It is not a complete list of characteristics, but look at which ones
fit ... discover which may have been left out.
Like everything in life , it is a balance that is needed.
Please forgive the repeated posting if you have read it.
It is just one article, but I agree with it, and think it has help
for many .. men and women...
It seems like the one or two times I posted this, the thread stopped .
or maybe I am wrong.. I just never noticed any replies afterwards.
As a matter of fact, I just searched .. I just posted this on July 25.
The subject: "Slow News Day".
I will include it anyway...
I think it is important ... especially the part: The Way Out.
-- Phil C
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Heart of a Man and The Way Out
State Press Special Publications February 2004
By Jim Mitchell and Amy Belanger
From the time we're in diapers, adults socialize us to the ways of the
family and the culture at large. What the family doesn't accomplish
is usually driven home in our teen years by conformist peer
pressure, through the powerful forces of shame, ridicule and
judgment. On top of that the mass media through movie characters,
ads and icons, sets other standards against which we judge ourselves,
others and our relationships. Women and men learn very different
ways of behaving and develop very different expectations about love,
marriage and intimacy.
THE HEART OF A MAN
Male socialization teaches boys to minimize and ultimately deny
feelings and emotions that make them appear vulnerable, such as fear,
sadness, grief, and to a great extent, joy. These feelings are boxed
up, put away and seldom spoken of again in the company of other boys
or men. By the time most boys reach early manhood, they are
comfortable only with feelings such as anger and lust. Power, women,
possessions, money and success take the place of any authentic
emotional life.
Boys learn to play by the rules of manhood from the older boys and
men in their lives. Such "rules" may never be actually spoken.
Instead they are learned mostly through observation and inference.
Any random group of college-aged young men asked to describe the
? Don't trust other men, especially with anything personal
? Every other man is your competitor - for food, stuff, women,
employment, promotions, grades, etc.
? Don't talk about what you really think
? Don't feel..anything
? Never let them see you sweat
? Never ask for help
? Be rational
? Control is your friend
? Toughen up!: don't show sadness, fear or anything "soft".
? No mercy!
? Go it alone. It worked for Dirty Harry, Superman, John
Wayne, it will work for you!
? It's all about you (get what you want out of life; other
people's needs, feelings, desires don't matter)
And on and on..
Is it any wonder then, that men are challenged to create successful
and fulfilling relationships, no matter what their partner brings to
the relationship table.
THE HEART OF A WOMAN
Female socialization teaches girls that their value lies in nurturing
others, being vulnerable, expressing some emotions, building
relationships, and not so much in knowledge or skill. Feelings of
anger, drivenness or lust will quickly win them the label of bitch,
ice-queen or whore. By the time most girls reach early womanhood,
they have learned they are most valued by others as caretakers, and
they shape their lives accordingly.
Girls learn to suppress their authentic selves as much as men, but
are more likely to suppress their skills, wisdom, strong opinions and
anger as opposed to the more vulnerable emotions. Any random group of
college-aged young women asked to describe the rules on how or what
? Be as beautiful as possible at all times
? Don't think for yourself - always get a second opinion
because you can't trust your own instincts and intelligence.
? Always ask for help - too much independence is a turnoff to
men. ? Be emotional
? Never show confidence, surety or determination - these are
uppity. ? Soften up: don't show anger, resentment or anything
uncharitable. ? Aggression is the kiss of death
? Never go it alone
? It's never about you (it's selfish for you to want anything
out of life; other people's needs, feelings, desires come
first..always)
And on and on..
Is it any wonder then, that women are challenged to create successful
and fulfilling relationships, notwithstanding what their partner
brings to the relationship table
*********************************************************
*********************************************************
The Way Out
So what then is the way out you ask? Go ahead, ask. Well I'll tell you.
For men the way to truly successful and fulfilling relationships lies
in recreating our relationship with ourselves first and foremost,
then, from that new place, recreating our relationships with everyone
else. That means coming to terms with my socialization as a man and
the discerning the parts of it that do not serve me or take me
towards my desired life and desired relationships. It also means
doing the hard work of reclaiming the parts of me that I abandoned as
a child or young man in my desire to fit in and gain approval. And
here comes the scary part. You ready? It means dealing with the part
of me that is still a hurt, wounded, scared little boy. Except now
the boy is trapped in your adult body. You know the part I'm talking
about don't you. Yeah, you know. You never talk about that part do
you? But it's there, scratching at you from the inside every day.
And you keep trying to relate to women from that place? That is
never going to work Chachi. If you think the ole Jimmeister doesn't
know what he's talking about here, go and ask the last 2-3 women
you've been involved with. See what they say about it. Go ahead.
Go! Don't be scared.
Here's what I've found in my life as a man. It is only in doing work
on me as a man, men's work, and beginning to heal myself that I
discover something really magical about myself. I have everything I
need to create the kind of relationships I want. I have, and have
always had, at my disposal a full complement of emotions to help me
to connect deeply with others and to build authentic relationships
and communities. I discover an emotional range and fluency I was
certain I no longer had. I discover that as a man I am fully capable
of being fierce and loving, strong and tender, rigorous and
compassionate, tenacious and giving. I discover I feel all my
feelings and emotions, maybe for the first time since I was a child.
I discover a new strength, powerful masculine strength, in my
openness, vulnerability and tears.
In working on myself and my inner life as, a man, I make another
discovery. This one is as important, if not more so, than reclaiming
my emotional life. I see how I have spent most of my life as man
projecting my boyish needs from women on to them, rather than truly
engaging them as equals in an authentic partnership. I find that I
need to reframe how I see the women in my life, be they mother,
friend, lover or spouse. Through my self examination and discovery I
withdraw and transform my projections that every women somehow needs
to be my "mother", my comforter, my nurturer, my place of solace and
refuge or my sexual fix. I see that I need to work on my 'stuff' as
a man in the company of men. I can no longer expect that somehow the
women in my life can fix what ails me as a man. I learn that the
real power and my own grounded sense of self as a man comes from
having authentic, grounded, vulnerable relationships with my own
gender first. It is in men's circles that I find myself and the man
I want to be and to become. Only then I can relate to women from a
place of mature masculine energy.
To assist me in bringing all this new wisdom to life and rebalancing
Integrity: I create for myself a true, grounded sense of integrity.
I am who I say and I am..and you can trust that. I do what I say..
and I say what I do. My words and actions are congruent. I choose
behaviors that will raise the trust level in my relationships, not
lower it. I keep my agreements and promises with others. When I
can't keep a given agreement, I renegotiate a new agreement before
the old one expires. My integrity is never in question.
Accountability: I am willing to account for and be responsible for
the choices I make in my life and the consequences or impact of those
choices. I stop making excuses. I stop blaming others. I give up my
need to be a victim. I finally get that I create my reality and my
life. I stop blaming others for what I've created or failed to
create in my life. If I don't like my life, I know I have to change,
not expect others to change for me.
Telling the Truth: I create a practice of telling myself and others
the truth. Period. I get out of the denial, delusion and fantasy
that I use to manipulate reality and I get into the truth. I get out
of the Matrix! I practice telling myself the microscopic truth about
myself and my choices. I no longer accept half truths, partial
truths, lies, deceit, manipulation or coercion from myself or others.
I always practice compassion in telling my truth to others. I get
that my truth is not THE truth, it is my truth. I don't have to
explain nor defend my truth to others. I simply have to know and
live what is my truth.
Emotional Literacy: I teach myself to feel and experience the full
expression of my emotions. Joy, sadness, fear, anger and dozens of
others. I grieve my losses. I use my feelings, as well as my brain,
to help me make decisions, large and small. I express my feelings
appropriately. I practice compassion and gratitude daily.
Mission and Purpose: I develop for myself a clear vision of the kind
of world I'd like to see it and create a mission statement for myself
that speaks to what I'm willing to do each day to bring that kind of
a world into being. I live my mission truthfully and passionately.
I ask others to support me in making a difference in my world. I
support others in doing the same when ask. I stop waiting for other
to take care of or fix what is important to me. I passionately and
compassionately participate in creating the kind of family,
relationship, school, community, government, country or world I'd
most like to be a part of.
As you focus on these Five Simple Truths and manifest a bit more of
each of them each day, you will discover a whole new way of being as
Man. You'll feel a newfound sense of authentic, masculine power,
grace and love. Now, what women wouldn't want some of that?
Jim Mitchell is a Certified Full Leader in The ManKind Project, a non
profit worldwide organization dedicated to "changing the world, one
man at a time.through initiation, training, and action in the world".
[I am a member of the Mankind Project in South Africa]
www.mkp.org