Post by NancyGeneLet us examine George J. Dance’s contributions to Dental River’s poem “On The Water's Holy Edge.”
Oh, goody; I'm getting an NG "critique".
Mr. Dance inserted his own lines after each of DR’s, for reasons we don’t understand.
"We don't understand" is a recurring theme in NG's "critiques".
If the lines were meant to improve the poem, they didn’t. If they were meant to mock the poem, that effort was a failure since Mr. Dance’s writing, at its very best, is pedestrian. If they were meant to be funny, Mr. Dance is not a comedian.
And if they were meant to eliminate the coronavirus, they failed that way, too. We could spend all day on what the lines could have meant.
One thing we do know they were meant to do, is to be read paired with the lines of the original text; so I'll restore the couplets NG has mutilated:
On the water's holy edge we smell a poignant bloom.
I think I'm almost choking in its smell of stale perfume.
Post by NancyGeneNote that Mr. Dance changed DR’s “We” to be now “I.” Who is “its?”
The bloom's, of course. The speaker's with a group of people who smell the bloom; but only the speaker is choking.
(NG loses points for missing the song reference.)
Let them add to it,
with some other shit,
Post by NancyGeneHow did the shit fly into the poem?
They're adding to a bad smell. "Shit" is an appropriate metaphor for that.
so they can subtract and add again.
and other smells may seep into my brain.
Post by NancyGeneAre smells in your brain?
Of course, dear: smells, like sounds, are mental events.
On the verge of everything, we breathe charged air
while on the verge of nothing, we would still be breathing there
Post by NancyGeneWhere is “there?”
On the verge of nothing (as opposed to where the speaker and his group are, on the verge of everything).
and let them think with it,
or with some other shit,
Post by NancyGeneYou already used this line.
Just as in the original text: both are repeated (but slightly varied) lines.
Post by NancyGeneYou do tend to overuse the same words.
You do tend to complain about the same things.
decide for us, rethink and decide.
abide with us, repurpose and abide.
Matching "decide" x 2 in the original text.
Now, instead of “I,” it is “us?”
Of course: "They" are deciding for all of "us," not just the speaker.
We are loosed into the forbidden sea around their planet,
as into the mansion were poor Brad and Janet,
Post by NancyGeneVery overused cliche’. Perhaps an obscure The Who lyric would fit here? How about “Rough toys
Under the sheets.”
(1) it's does not fit the rhyme or meter; (2) the original text already alluded to RHPH by bringing up "forbidden ... planet" - my line underscored that.
they can no longer hide from their assassins
as to their lungs coronavirus fastens.
Nonsense; it's a wonderful couplet, the best thing in the whole piece.
As Michael has written, who talks like that?
Dryden, for one; I'm sorry you missed the threads where we've discussed inversion.
We take chase from them through the movements
of both destruction and improvements,
Post by NancyGene“Improvements” is a lazy word to use and doesn’t fit with “destruction.”
Of course it does; it tells us that "their" actions are both positive and negative. It's a very pedestrian word, but using those for effect is something I've been doing since I first read Eliot.
Rebuilding, refinements, enhancements—many other words would be better.
Not one of those actually rhymes with 'improvements', you know.
of our own crumbling music,
our literature, our physic,
Post by NancyGeneYou get diarrhea from reading your own writings?
Music, literature, and science are all crumbling. Even you might have understood that couplet, if you'd only refrained from butchering the text.
Let them hear us, find us,
inform us and remind us.
Post by NancyGeneInspiration from purgatives?
Bad guess, but wrong.
Out of prisons of entropy, we hatch a whole plot
and what I mean by that is - oh dear, I quite forgot!
Post by NancyGeneAwful, awful, even in a parody poem.
It's just a comment on the obliqueness of the previous line; more parody than poem, admittedly. I may edit it out later, but it still gives me a chuckle.
Post by NancyGeneYou are now back to “I” when you were using “we” before. Please be constant in your use of pronouns.
The speaker uses "I" when referring to himself, and "we" when referring to the group he's in (the people first running from, and now being caught by, "them")
so they can use us,
and abuse us,
Post by NancyGeneWhy, exactly, is that? Most people would gladly abuse you and the company of your choice.
(NG loses more points for missing another song reference.)
reduce it for us, misuse and lie.
But why do they do it? Why, oh why?
Post by NancyGeneBecause it is fun and you are punchable.
NG seems to have forgotten that they were pretending to offer an honest "critique" of the lines.
We clench like a grinning weapon gestated inside them
as we decide we can no longer abide them,
Post by NancyGeneWho is “we” and who are “them?”
The same people they were in the previous line, and that they've been ever since L1 (in the case of "we") and L3 (in the case of "them").
Once again: if you hadn't been intent on not reading the piece, even you might have understood that.
they can no longer hide from their assassins
as to their lungs coronavirus fastens.
Post by NancyGeneYou already said this.
Once again: it's a repeated line in response to a repeated line - a 'refrain'.
Post by NancyGeneWhose lungs are you talking about?
Those who can no longer hide from their assassins. It's a powerful message: no matter who they are, no matter where they go, no matter what they do, someone - anyone - can kill them just by breathing on them.
Post by NancyGeneWe see no reason for Mr. Dance to have added his lines to DR’s poem. The Dance lines were not clever, funny, insightful, or Rossesque.
Not everyone agrees with you on at least the last point.
Post by NancyGeneIf Mr. Dance is trying to imitate PJR, he needs a bigger tool box.
Oh, no: PJ used to do this to add lines commenting on the original poet, not the original poem.