<music>"20th Century Fox Fanfare"
</music>
The time has come to announce the winners of the January 2007 Usenet Kook
Awards. Envelopes, please!
<music>drumroll</music>
BOBO AWARD
The winner is...RICHARD SCOVILLE!
27 votes YES
01 votes NO
Congratulations, Chicken Dickie! So, how does it feel to be globally
humiliated for your kookery resulting in the loss of your defamatory and
extortionary kookshite? Oh, that's right, you won't read this--you're
completely net-dead!
BARDLEY ANNUAL "WHINING BABY NEW YEAR" AWARD
The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!
15 votes Andrew Chung
09 votes Antonio "Jabriol" Santana
07 votes Tom Bishop
02 votes None of the above
01 votes Richard Scoville
Congratulations, Double-Doctor! You managed to win yet another annual
award to add to your Rookie Kook of the Year, Coward of the Year, and
Kooksite of the Year for 2006. Are you up for a sweep in 11 months?
KOOK OF THE MONTH
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
13 votes PorchMonkey4Life
10 votes Warhol
Always the younger sister left behind.
08 votes Rebecca Ore
02 votes JTEM of alt.paranormal
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations, MonkeyBoi! You managed to defeat a perpetual contender, a
long-time suspected kook, and an up-and-comer through your utter
st00pidity. Imagine yourself in the position of Joxer the Mighty
vanquishing this month's fierce competition.
CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH
The winner is...PAINE ELLSWORTH AKA PAINIUS OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!
16 votes Painius of alt.astronomy
13 votes Andrew B Chung
02 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Pain in the Ass! You now have your second AUK award and a
chance at the Clueless Newbie of the Year for 2007. May your cluelessness
not interfere with your ability to get it on with a hot Sea^H^H^H Space
Mermaid, should Darla ever bother to land the mothership.
Let the record also show that he beat one of the most formidable kooks
to come down the pike in quite a while, namely Andy Chung.
COWARD OF THE MONTH
The winner is...JOSEPH BARTLO!
11 votes Joseph Bartlo
09 votes Rebecca Ore
06 votes Steve Chaney
03 votes Painius and Bill Sheppard
You're still cowards.
02 votes Wabbit of rec.radio.amateur.policy
01 votes Avoid Normal Situations of alt.flame
01 votes Robert "Mop Jockey" Wolfe
00 votes None of the above
Congratulations, JoJo! I have only one thing to say to you--BAWK!
LOONEY MAROON AWARD
The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!
14 votes Andrew Chung
09 votes PorchMonkey4Life
08 votes Ernie Primeau
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations again, Double-Doctor! In what seems to be a race between
you and PorchMonkey4Life for awards this month, you managed to beat him
handily in head-to-head competition. Pity both of your heads are so empty.
GOLDEN KILLFILE
The winner is...MI5VICTIM!
16 votes MI5Victim
06 votes Mike "miguel" Cranston and Brent Armstrong,
06 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, robotic spammer! Too bad for you that the readers of 100+
groups won't read your conspiratorial screed, as they've dumped you into
the bit bucket.
JOSEPH BARTLO PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE AWARD
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
21 votes PorchMonkey4Life
11 votes nightbat of alt.astronomy
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations again, Porchie! You won impressively against one of the
sillier posters known to AUK by being even more silly, to say nothing of
foul-mouthed and idiotic. Oh, and don't stray too far from the podium;
your name will be called many more times!
Note the frootbag hasn't missed a beat this month so far.
BOB ALLISAT MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER
The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!
21 votes Andrew B. Chung
03 votes Notroll2007
03 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations a third time, Double-Doctor! Tell us (tinu) how you
managed to swallow Pope Snarky's hook six times on your kookshite's lits
o'haet without having a clue that it was the same fisherman each time.
PALMJOB PADDLE
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
19 votes PorchMonkey4Life
05 votes Ernie Primeau
02 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations a third time, Farky! You managed to be spanked by an
impressive array of kookologists, trolls, and kooks in the same month, to
say nothing of the paddling you gave yourself when you socked up as your
adversaries and had your forgeries flame each other. Why, that alone would
have won you the award!
TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
12 votes PorchMonkey4Life
09 votes Kathy Mosesian
03 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, st00pid Clerks fan! What, you didn't think we (tinw)
wouldn't catch the reference? Tsk, tsk. Anyone who can do a bad impression
of Jay at his most delusionally moronic can certainly outperform a woman
who repeated claims to be leaving USENET forever.
VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN WEIRD SCIENCE AWARD
The winner is...PAINE ELLSWORTH AKA PAINIUS OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!
11 votes Paine Ellsworth AKA Painus of alt.astronomy
10 votes Ernie Primeau
06 votes JTEM of alt.paranormal
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations a second time, Mr. Ellsworth! I wonder, in all the time
you were posting to misc.writing and rec.arts.prose, if you ever thought
you'd win an award for writing science /fiction/?
Bravo! "All energy is gravitational" finally gets its proper
recognition.
GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY
The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!
22 votes Andrew B. Chung
05 votes Ernie Primeau
02 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations yet again, Double-Doctor! Your crusade to convert the
infidels of alt.atheism and the netcabal demons of AUK seems to have been
recognized--as a waste of time for you!
SPECIAL OPS CODY MEMORIAL PURPLE HEART
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
13 votes PorchMonkey4Life
11 votes Azure
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations yet again, DoucheMonkey! All of your efforts to run up
your BI, along with your self-spankings, forgeries, and attempts to swear
without tripping the obscenity filters damaged you far more than they ever
did your opponents. Be careful not to pat yourself on your back for this
win. With your record, you're likely to dislocate your own shoulder!
TAR & FEATHERS
The winner is...PAMELA RUSSELL!
13 votes Pamela Russell
11 votes bob&carole
08 votes John-Paul Turcaud
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Fangirlfriend! All of your tireless and clueless
crusading on behalf of the King of Pop has paid off. Now, join Doc and
Marty McFly as they send the train hurtling off the cliff into Clint
Eastwood Gorge!
BUSTED URINAL AWARD
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
17 votes PorchMonkey4Life
09 votes The saucerheads of alt.astronomy
06 votes John-Paul Turcaud
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations, yet another time, Howler Monkey! You don't need to dig a
latrine when you can throw your feces at everyone you see on USENET?
Don't feel bad y'all, your scat lames just can't hold a nose next to
those of monkeyboi.
UNABOMBER SURPRISE
The winner is...ANTONIO "JABRIOL" SANTANA!
18 votes Jabriol
12 votes Warhol
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Jabbers! Your individual posts may not be all that long,
but taken together, they certainly take up a lot of room without saying
much of anything except WAAAAAA!
Always so close, always just not enough. But there is still hope, you
screeding ways haven't abated in the slightest, fez-head.
GOOFY AZZED BABBOON
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
16 votes PorchMonkey4Life
10 votes John-Paul Turcaud
04 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations again, Farky! When you forged Ying, you picked up all his
bad habits, added some of your own, and spelled it all in 1337! PH34R your
kooky incomprehensibility!
72 RAISINS "CRACKPOT RELIGION" AWARD
The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!
19 votes Andrew B. Chung
11 votes John-Paul Turcaud.
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Double-Doctor! You managed to be the first repeat winner
of the 72 Raisins by beating someone who created his own crackpot religion.
Now, tell us (tinu) again how people who disagree with you become demons
who have lost their free will.
BOLO BULLIS FOAM DUCK
The winner is...ERNIE PRIMEAU!
13 votes Ernie Primeau
12 votes Warhol
00 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Ernie! It looks like the poster on alt.baldspot who is
getting "crazier and crazier" is you!
Just a single vote here!
ORDER OF THE HOLEY SOCKPUPPET
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
16 votes PorchMonkey4Life
07 votes Kathy Mosesian
02 votes None of the above
00 votes Max Varazslo
Congratulations, "Ying Collective!" Not since Brad Jessness was in his
prime has AUK seen such a doll party. Pity that you've used all the
teacups for chamberpots first.
BARBARA WOODHOUSE MEMORIAL DOG-WHISTLE AWARD
The winner is...PAMELA RUSSELL, TRAINED BY THE HATER CABAL OF AMMJ!
13 votes Pamela Russell,
trained by the Hater Cabal of alt.music.michael-jackson
12 votes PorchMonkey4Life, trained by Pope Snarky
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations to Fangirlfriend and all of her trainers! They managed to
help her win an unprecidented repeat KotY award and a three-peat of the Bag
of Coal and they deserved this recognition. Good work, haters!
EDMOND WOLLMANN MEMORIAL RUBBER TURKEY FOR NEW YEARS 2007
The winner is...ALEXA CAMERON!
12 votes Alexa Cameron
10 votes Brad Guth.
08 votes Ernie Primeau
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Queen of Screed! Your nearly two-week-long meltdown just
happened to climax on New Years Day, but it was enough to earn you this
special holiday award. So, what are you doing this Easter?
Hi, Alexa! [alt.alien.visitors added]
**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT**
Two kooks have met the standards for a special award given out by executive
decision, THE TINFOIL SOMBRERO! Both have displayed insubordination above
and beyond the usual for USENET kooks and therefore have earned this
special recognition.
The first winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
Farky earned this award by giving out multiple bogus and lame awards to
kook and kookologist alike, including one to yours truly, the FNVW. He
also posted a completely bogus ballot in response to the one true AUK
ballot.
The second winner is...NIGHTBAT OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!
The commander of the Pofound Earth Science Officers earned this award by
repeatedly rejecting the authority of the AUK awards over alt.astronomy and
issuing denials of awards that had been properly nominated, seconded, and
accepted by the FNVW.
Congratulations to both of you! May you enjoy your new headwear. which I
have made so you will wear with the shiny side out!
napoleon the frootbag likes to order people around.
We (tinw) now resume presentation of the regularly scheduled awards.
PIERRE SALINGER MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER
The winner is...Kadaitcha Man's faked death
24 votes YES
07 votes NO
Congratulations, K-man! While a faked death is the sort of troll that
nearly everyone has heard of, it's not one that people see more than once
or twice during their USENET career. You managed to pull of the troll of
your lifetime by pretending your lifetime was over. Cruel, but extremely
effective.
OFFICE OF DARTH BAWL
The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!
15 votes Andrew B. Chung.
14 votes Antonio "Jabriol" Santana
Congratulations one last time this month, Double-Doctor. You managed to
defend your office against a repeat candidacy by one of the most determined
whiners on USENET. Keep those whines coming!
OFFICE OF VILLAGE IDIOT
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
14 votes PorchMonkey4Life
10 votes Ken Pangborn
08 votes John-Paul Turcaud
Congratulations one last time this month, MonkeyBoi! By setting new lows
for st00pidity from a USENET poaster who isn't a pedophile truck driver
living in a trailer park, you unseated the longtime incumbent, a moron so
dense that he managed to win a vote for Clueless Newbie of the year two
years after he won it the first time. May your reign be as long as you are
imbecilic!
KOOKI INFORMATION MINISTER
The winner is...AZURE!
15 votes Azure
11 votes Warhol
Good job, Bl00boi! You held off a challenge from someone who claimed that
Saddam would rise from the dead after three days. Now, tell us (tinu)
again that you don't use Supernews as your NSP, even though the Supernews
name is all over your headers.
Bluie's html meltdowns likely turned the tide here.
MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS
The winner is...THE SAUCERHEADS OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!
16 votes The Saucerheads of alt.astronomy
11 votes The anti-porn-star crusaders of alt.gossip.celebrities
Congratulations, Profound Earth Science Officers! Whilst you all wait for
the Seans to arrive so you can shag the hottest mermaids in space, keep
yourselves good and hard in preparation for their arrival.
They will.
This concludes the announcement of the winners of the January 2007 Usenet
Kook Awards. Forty-four people submitted fourty-one ballots. Five of them
managed to violate the rules in interesting ways: two people voted from an
altered ballot, one person voted for himself/herself, another voted for
himself/herself using an altered ballot (there's always a first for
everything) and one voted in the wrong thread. Fluffy was pleased with the
shredded paper in his litter box. Consequently, thirty-nine ballots were
deemed valid and counted.
See you all early next month, when the buzzards fly north of the Ohio River
and the crocuses begin to bloom. Until then, enjoy and all hail Ming, Bob,
and Fluffy!
And now, a special recessional in honor of this month's big w(h)inner,
MonkeyBoi in the role of Joxer the Mighty. Watch Xena and Gabrielle pwn
him!
<music>"A Man for All Seasons"
</music>
Meow.
--
Supreme Leader of the Brainwashed Followers of Art Deco
"To err is human, to cover it up is Weasel" -- Dogbert
