Post by shawnPost by A FriendPost by David JohnstonLarry Niven was writing a comedy article.
Yes, he was; it wasn't serious, and was written for a men's magazine
called Knight back in 1969. I talked to Mr. Niven once about it,
probably in the late '80s. At that time, at least, he'd grown tired of
people bringing it up. He wrote the piece only because, like many of
us, he loved Superman and the intricate world that had been created for
him.
Noted Superman artist Curt Swan illustrated the article for a
glammed-up reprint in Penthouse Comix in 1995. It was by far the
highest rate Mr. Swan ever got for drawing Superman. (Supes is thinly
disguised in the piece because of copyright law.)
http://www.oafe.net/blog/2016/07/curt-swan-superman-addendum/
https://thedorkreview.blogspot.com/2014/04/man-of-steel-woman-of-kleenex-by-niven.html
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https://tomsmith.bandcamp.com/track/superman-sex-life-boogie
The first non-parody I wrote that I thought was good, this was
inspired by Larry Niven's hilarious essay "Man of Steel, Woman of
Kleenex", documenting possible methods of perpetuating the Kryptonian
There used to be a Supergirl who was Superman's cousin, not the
amorphous blob who can shape-shift to a blonde babe. She was even
worse than the current one, and being worse than a super-submissive
who falls in love with Lex Luthor is quite an accomplishment.) The
essay deliberately avoids the psychological issues, which this song
runs at and body-slams. Mr. Niven, one of the very few truly all-time
greats of science fiction, sang this song with me on stage (at
PhilCon, Philadelphia 1994), which I think counts as a Life Highlight.
lyrics
Well, I'm a small-town boy with a heart of gold,
Not to mention heat vision and breath that's cold,
I've got super strength, I'm immune to pain,
But I'm weak in the knees around Lois Lane.
She's got a sexy walk, and the bluest eyes;
Her clothes are all painted onto her thighs.
She's got great taste, so I just don't see
Why she's in love with my costume, but not with me.
I can change the course of rivers, bend steel in my bare hands,
But none of that hokey macho stuff makes me feel any more like a man.
I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I'm tougher than a moving train,
But why leap a tall building in a single bound,
When I'd rather jump Lois Lane.
Well, I'm a nice, easy-going kind of guy,
I've got mild manners and my wit is dry,
But it doesn't ever seem to matter what I say,
'Cause Lois never gives me the time of day.
But when I fly the city in my blue and red,
She'd risk the whole world just to get me to bed,
But that's not the way I want to let her get my bod,
It's not making love, it's seducing God.
I've told her a thousand times, we can never risk normal sex.
If I lose control, we could get David Cronenberg to do the special
effects,
I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I'm tougher than a moving train,
But why leap a tall building in a single bound,
When I'd rather jump Lois Lane.
Well, I'm sick of all the supervillains poking fun,
Just because I'm still a virgin at age thirty-one.
I don't like the names that I'm being called,
I couldn't care if Lex Luthor's always been more... bald.
I'd love to let Lois know the way I feel,
To let her know the man underneath the steel,
But she doesn't want to have a thing to do with me
Unless I'm out bashing baddies in my Bee Vee Dees.
I've had it with the hero biz, frustration has got me down.
Why should I bother with saving the city when I'd rather be painting
the town?
I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I'm tougher than a moving train,
But I'd throw it all away in a minute if I
Could just once get the jump on Lane.