Post by Will DockeryTrick of Light
Tonight, under the bursting moon
I wrote this poem about waltzing with you
how I felt like Meryl Streep in your arms
surrounded by japanese lanterns
the scent of jasmine rising around us from
little yellow-white heads crushed under our heels
and in the heat of writing it
I hear your voice again, liking me
or a Meryl me
because just like the songs
moonlight does that
and I'm remembering
champagne glittering
how we danced till the music stopped
the violins packed away, napkins folded
and I was Meryl Streep under a bursting moon
a trick of light
your love.
Karla
rev. 6/09
Trick of Light
Tonight, under the bursting moon
I wrote this poem about waltzing with you
Okay, I have a bit more time now... just a bit.
Okay, everyone else says change these two lines, eh? Interestingly, my
comment on them is that they really work. You are not dancing under
the blazing moon (and we've sure had a classic June-moon-spoon of a
couple of days, I daresay, some of the coolest, pleasant nights in the
Deep
South June since 1985, I kid you not, and I was there, so I know), you
are /writing/
about it, filtering memory, reinventing the memory, making life into
art, or trying to. That's why the line "I wrote this poem about
waltzing with
you" just works, is great, and that's my comment on that.
Post by Will Dockeryhow I felt like Meryl Streep in your arms
Now this part is the one I would change if it were me, which you're
not, of course, but bringing in a real (or almost real, as real as a
Hollywood
icon can be, anyway), cheapens the line, makes the image lazy, sort
of. Sort of like the critiques of my critiques of "Your poem reminds
me of...",and if this sort of thing doesn't work for critique, then it
sure shouldn't be acceptable in a poem, which is of course a much
higher form of art than comments /about/ poems.
"You made me feel..." beautiful? Sexy? Strong? Cool? Rich and famous?
A good lover, or dancer (perhaps the dancer in the poem could be
Dennis Hammes, but that's stretching... JK might use that, but not
here, not now) could and can
make someone feel that way. I'm reminded of a line I tossed,
coincidentally and interestingly (to me) last week where I felt like
Clark Gable... a stunning night in the Deep South can do things like
that, but it seemed lazy (or I could second-guess that it could or
would be judged so by critics) or at best a cheap and easy reference,
so it is gone. And my commenty is I think you ought to work on how
this person you wrote the poem to made you feel while dancing.
Define what it is like to "feel like Meryl Streep"... because it isn't
such an obvious thing, feels like... nothing. To me.
"You made me forget myself, you made me think I was someone else,
someone good.", is what the line reminds me of, from the old Lou Reed
song "Perfect Day", but I'm not trying to put words in your mouth.
Post by Will Dockerysurrounded by japanese lanterns
the scent of jasmine rising around us from
little yellow-white heads crushed under our heels
This isn't Meryl Streep to me, but Vivien Leigh in Streetcar, Japanese
Lanterns (smashed by Stanley) and scent of Jasmine, all there... "I
thought I was someone else, someone good.":
I know that "this reminds me of" isn't acceptable in poetry
commentary, but this is just too obvious.
And in my opinion better than a tired image of Meryl Streep. Leigh and
Brando, now /that/ is an image, dancing under a "hustling bustling
moon".
Post by Will Dockeryand in the heat of writing it
I hear your voice again, liking me
or a Meryl me
Yes, and back at the crib, writing about it, observing it from the
Fortress of Solitude, gone again, back to the lonesome act of poetry.
I like it, and that's my comment.
Post by Will Dockerybecause just like the songs
moonlight does that
and I'm remembering
champagne glittering
how we danced till the music stopped
These kind of seem like padding, and I've done it enough to know it
when I see it... heh.
Tighten it, make better images, I know someone would say if someone
else had written this.
Post by Will Dockerythe violins packed away, napkins folded
and I was Meryl Streep under a bursting moon
Blah, boring.
Post by Will Dockerya trick of light
your love.
Nice ending.
--
"She Sleeps Tight", vocals by Will Dockery & Sandy Madaris, guitars by
Brian Mallard. Paintings by George Sulzbach.
http://youtu.be/9uGY157cpiU
Post by Will Dockery--
"Red Lipped Stranger & other stories" by Will Dockery:http://www.myspace.com/willdockery